4
| Lists |

Five Animals That Look Like Rick Scott

^
Keep New Times Free
I Support
  • Local
  • Community
  • Journalism
  • logo

Support the independent voice of South Florida and help keep the future of New Times free.

Physically, Gov. Rick Scott has been compared to many things: Lord Voldemort, a ladle full of Greek yogurt, a calcium-deficient fingernail.

And, sure, the dude looks like something that would pop out of a hole and bite you. But I'm not here to pick the low-hanging fruit. I'm not going to sit here and point out that this esteemed public servant looks like an evil wizard or a pencil.

No. I'm here to point out the five animals that look like Rick Scott.

See also: The Diary of Rick Scott's Hair

1. Bald Uakari

This is a Bald Uakari. I know it might not look like Ricky now, but send the governor on a two-week vacation to Turks and Caicos, then steal the sunscreen out of his carry-on before he boards the plane.

Upon his arrival home, put him side by side with the Bald Uakari and try to tell the difference between the two. I suspect you'd be halfway through greeting the governor before you realized you were shaking the hand of a monkey.

Things they have in common: • A strong lower jaw capable of cracking hard nuts. • Confronted with evidence that it may have made a poor decision, communicates with a loud, stabbing cry that sounds like, "Jobs! Jobs! Jobs! Jobs!"

2. Beluga Whale

This is a Beluga Whale (though I'm still not entirely convinced it's not Roofus Scott, the liberal half-brother of Rick Scott who was exiled to the sea after caught watching Real Time With Bill Maher). The similarities are uncanny: the shiny dome, the dumb grin, the blowhole that spews salty mucus.

Things they have in common: • Lack of a dorsal fin. • Thinking homosexuality can be cured by bathing in tomato juice.

3. Three-Toed Sloth

This is a Three-Toed Sloth. Aside from sharing the same vacuous stare, Rick Scott and the sloth also share a similar thought process. It goes like this: ...and breathe ...breathe again. An unnamed source claims that Rick Scott's closest advisers are made up almost exclusively of Three-Toed Sloths.

Things they have in common: • They both dance like this. • Favorite song is "Dust in the Wind."

4. Blobfish

This is a Blobfish, and it's not usually this ugly. Due to its low-density flesh, the Blobfish's shape is very different when it is out of the water. However, it does look like Rick Scott (if you put him in a microwave for 30 seconds and then told him his dog ran away).

Things they have in common: • Pretend to care about education, but skipped the very education summits they called for. • A deep existential feeling of loneliness.

5. The Egg

This is an egg, and, I know what you're thinking: "This isn't an animal! This is an egg."

But this is no ordinary egg, you ignoramus. This is a fertilized egg. And since Rick Scott believes that life begins at conception, this egg is therefore an animal. And if you don't agree that this egg looks nearly identical to Rick Scott, then you're blind.

No, I take that back. Because blind people still have an excellent sense of touch. And I'd be willing to bet that the cold, brittle exterior of an eggshell is indistinguishable from the cold, brittle forehead skin of Rick Scott.

Things they have in common: • Can easily be bought. • Filled with a delicious yellow goo.

Follow Ryan Pfeffer on Twitter



Keep New Times Broward-Palm Beach Free... Since we started New Times Broward-Palm Beach, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of South Florida, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering South Florida with no paywalls.

We use cookies to collect and analyze information on site performance and usage, and to enhance and customize content and advertisements. By clicking 'X' or continuing to use the site, you agree to allow cookies to be placed. To find out more, visit our cookies policy and our privacy policy.

 

Join the New Times community and help support independent local journalism in South Florida.

 

Join the New Times community and help support independent local journalism in South Florida.