Five Animals That Look Like Rick Scott

Physically, Gov. Rick Scott has been compared to many things: Lord Voldemort, a ladle full of Greek yogurt, a calcium-deficient fingernail.

And, sure, the dude looks like something that would pop out of a hole and bite you. But I'm not here to pick the low-hanging fruit. I'm not going to sit here and point out that this esteemed public servant looks like an evil wizard or a pencil.

No. I'm here to point out the five animals that look like Rick Scott.

See also: The Diary of Rick Scott's Hair

1. Bald Uakari

This is a Bald Uakari. I know it might not look like Ricky now, but send the governor on a two-week vacation to Turks and Caicos, then steal the sunscreen out of his carry-on before he boards the plane.

Upon his arrival home, put him side by side with the Bald Uakari and try to tell the difference between the two. I suspect you'd be halfway through greeting the governor before you realized you were shaking the hand of a monkey.

Things they have in common: • A strong lower jaw capable of cracking hard nuts. • Confronted with evidence that it may have made a poor decision, communicates with a loud, stabbing cry that sounds like, "Jobs! Jobs! Jobs! Jobs!"

2. Beluga Whale

This is a Beluga Whale (though I'm still not entirely convinced it's not Roofus Scott, the liberal half-brother of Rick Scott who was exiled to the sea after caught watching Real Time With Bill Maher). The similarities are uncanny: the shiny dome, the dumb grin, the blowhole that spews salty mucus.

Things they have in common: • Lack of a dorsal fin. • Thinking homosexuality can be cured by bathing in tomato juice.

3. Three-Toed Sloth

This is a Three-Toed Sloth. Aside from sharing the same vacuous stare, Rick Scott and the sloth also share a similar thought process. It goes like this: ...and breathe ...breathe again. An unnamed source claims that Rick Scott's closest advisers are made up almost exclusively of Three-Toed Sloths.

Things they have in common: • They both dance like this. • Favorite song is "Dust in the Wind."

4. Blobfish

This is a Blobfish, and it's not usually this ugly. Due to its low-density flesh, the Blobfish's shape is very different when it is out of the water. However, it does look like Rick Scott (if you put him in a microwave for 30 seconds and then told him his dog ran away).

Things they have in common: • Pretend to care about education, but skipped the very education summits they called for. • A deep existential feeling of loneliness.

5. The Egg

This is an egg, and, I know what you're thinking: "This isn't an animal! This is an egg."

But this is no ordinary egg, you ignoramus. This is a fertilized egg. And since Rick Scott believes that life begins at conception, this egg is therefore an animal. And if you don't agree that this egg looks nearly identical to Rick Scott, then you're blind.

No, I take that back. Because blind people still have an excellent sense of touch. And I'd be willing to bet that the cold, brittle exterior of an eggshell is indistinguishable from the cold, brittle forehead skin of Rick Scott.

Things they have in common: • Can easily be bought. • Filled with a delicious yellow goo.

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Ryan Pfeffer is Miami New Times’ music editor. After earning a BS in editing, writing, and media from Florida State University, Ryan joined the New Times staff in November 2013 as a web editor, where he coined the phrase "pee-tweet" (to retweet someone while urinating). Born and raised in Fort Lauderdale, he’s now neck-deep in bass and booty in the 305.
Contact: Ryan Pfeffer