Oh, April Fool's, you're the silliest of all the days. Yes, sillier than Arbor Day, Flag Day, and even charades night at Rick Scott's house (where 90 percent of shouted-out guesses include the words "evil" and "snake").
Whimsy reigns supreme, and across America, fun is had while Whoopee Cushions deflate faster than a SeaWorld orca's will to live.
But, alas, this isn't America. This is Florida.
And there are just certain things you can't do in Florida. So before you and your buds go outside looking to cause a little April Fool's mayhem, please pause and take a glimpse into your potential future.
5.) The home invasion prank. Aunt Betty seems like an easy target, right? The osteoporosis has slowed her reaction time, and you had to delete her Gmail account because she kept forwarding you chain emails with the subject "OBAMA MUSLIM! SECRET DOCUMENTS REVEALED!" She's got April Fool's written all over her.
And, boy, were you right! That was April Fool's gold. But what happens when we turn Aunt Betty into Uncle Rich and move this April Fool's prank to Florida?
Gah! I warned you! Was it worth all the YouTube hits? Huh?! You can't walk up to someone's front door in Florida unless you're 8 and have no fewer than 30 boxes of cookies.
4. The harmless sink prank. Fine. We can't storm into someone's house with a knife. That's a no-brainer. But what about getting someone a little wet with this classic sink prank?
Oh, the family fun! Dad gets a little wet. We all laugh. We're having fun!
So let's see what would happen if we move this prank over to the Sunshine State.
Ah!!!
What happened? How did that escalate so quickly?!
I'll tell you how: You're in Florida, you idiot! Dad just bought that shirt at the Swap Shop, and you know he's not a strong swimmer. That's more than enough justification to start poppin' off rounds. The man had no choice but to stand his ground!
3. The ninja prank. So your house and family are off-limits, and you're thinking, "Hey, let's take this outside."
What fun! Everyone's laughing, the swords are made of foam, and no one got hurt! Floridians would love this. Wouldn't they?
You deserved that one. You really think you can round up 15 of your closest friends and go around ambushing people on the mean streets of Florida? What's wrong with you? You're not even allowed to hold the door open for someone in Florida without legally forfeiting your right to not get stabbed in the ankle.
I don't feel bad for you anymore.
2. The elevator prank. So you can't go around pranking people outside either. How about in a five-by-eight-foot metal room?
Really?
Fine, roll the tape.
OK, this isn't even a Florida thing. If you try this anywhere, you fully deserve to be curb-stomped by Ryan Gosling, though that might be just about the coolest way to die (beaten only by being snuggled to death by Scarlett Johansson).
1. The eating other people's food prank. So all acts of aggression are out of the question. But you still think you've got the perfect prank up your sleeve, don't you?
Eating other people's food. It's fun, lighthearted, goofy, and worst-case scenario, you get punched in the face. A great prank!
Still feel the same way now that you're full of holes? Did you seriously think you could get between a Floridian and his grilled cheese sandwich and live to post the video?
Do you realize how much Floridians love food? Who else would look at a Key lime and think, "You know, we can make pie with this."
Look, at the end of the day, it's not a good idea to give Floridians another excuse to shoot you.
Lord knows they already. Have. Enough.
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