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Five Hottest Players on the Fort Lauderdale Strikers Soccer Team; Season Starts Saturday

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I'll say it: Soccer is the sport with the hottest athletes. (Is my U.S. citizenship revoked yet?)

It's true. They're fit without looking like a bank vault. They don't chew tobacco. They don't chase people with chainsaws. Maybe it's all that quality time with mom in the minivan instead of some sadistic basketball coach, but they're not -- seemingly for the most part -- macho jerks, either. And, according to Wired, they're probably smarter than the rest of us.

So everybody -- straight ladies, gay guys who want to leave the Wilton Manors buff-body zone, and straight men, because no one is going to see the Marlins this year -- should pack up the cooler of mojitos for a tailgate at Lockhart Stadium, where the Fort Lauderdale Strikers professional soccer team kicks off its season Saturday.

Before you go, you might want to acquaint yourself with the team. We've picked out five smokin' hotties, in no particular order:

Toni Stahl (Defender) This 6'3 27-year-old Finn is a lean 180 pounds, and according to the Strikers website was a "standout" soccer player at the University of Connecticut. In 2012, Stahl was "the anchor for the Striker's back line" and displayed "a toughness and tackling ability which drove teams to find other avenues of attack." We, however, invite a tackle from this team captain any time.

Hosman Ramos (Midfielder) This adorable Miamian didn't play much in college, but who cares?! Look at his face! And this badass move!

Andy Herron (Forward) Originally hailing from Costa Rica, Herron, at 35, is practically the grandpa of the group. (Ramos is 24.) But all that running and fancy footwork surely does great, amazing things for the body. We'll just sit here, not moving, drinking cocktails, smoking, watching all the good soccer can do.

Stefan Dimitrov (Forward) A forward like Herron, Dimitrov is here on loan from the New York Cosmos for the Spring season only. Catch this tall, dark, handsome, tri-lingual Bulgarian while you can!

Walter Restrepo (Midfielder) Resembling a kind of better-looking Fred Armisen, this California cutie is currently recovering from an ACL injury. In 2012 he started wearing the No. 10 jersey, which is a really big deal apparently. Strikers coach Daryl Shore told the Miami Herald that the number "comes with a lot of pressure." "In soccer, No. 10 is considered the playmaker," he said. "The guy who wears the No. 10 is always earmarked on the field by other teams." We've marked him for something else entirely.

Runner up:

Mike Dietze, for his passing resemblance to Brody from Homeland

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