You're screwed. Yup, no question. It might not be your fault. It's been a busy couple of weeks, what with work, family, friends. But here it is the weekend before Christmas, and you haven't bought any gifts yet. Santa's sleigh is empty. The malls this weekend are going to be a Yeezus-tour of sensory overload and screaming kids, so you might as well stay far away. You've also missed the window for online shopping, unless you want to pay out the ass for shipping and handling. No, you are screwed... unless you hit up Craigslist.
We know... not the most glamorous shopping option. But by this time, you can't really be choosy. And hey, we've gone ahead and scoped out some of the best gift options out there. You are very welcome.
Large 'Dogs Playing Pool' Painting with Gorgeous Frame - $175 (aventura) Perfect Gift For: dads, uncles, war buddies, someone who gave you a kidney, friends from LA This is that classy kitsch art piece that satisfies snobs and nonart folk alike.
NYPD Badges for Sale (Pompano Beach, FL) Perfect Gift For: Friend from high school who works mall security (note: not friend from work who's been talking more and more about the Illuminati's hold on the government and watching V for Vendetta every night before bed. Not for him). In the age of NATIONAL SECURITY, seems a little weird you can pick up a vast range of real NYPD badges for only $249. Yay, consumerism!
$249Full Penis Chess Set - One of a kind! - $40 (Kendall) Perfect Gift For: Friend's sister, girlfriend (two to five weeks), the social chair at the fraternity, CFO of the company, headmaster of the upper school. This... is a chess set... made of hand-carved dongs. High-brow, low-brow, see? See what they did there?
Vintage Retro Dragon Engraved Bronze Pocket Watch Necklace Steampunk - $17 (Miami Fl) Perfect Gift For: You (Hey, it's been a stressful holiday season. Treat yourself). I mean, this is pretty badass, right? Imagine: Q: Hey dude, do you know what time it is? A: Of course, good sir. Just let me pull out my dragon-engraved pocket watch, pop open it's dragon-engraved metal cover, and have a peek.
How often does life give you the chance to say that?
Used panties worn by pornstar ;) (miami fl) Perfect Gift For: College symbiotics professor, friend's fiance, boss (only if he works in government or finance) Come on, you didn't think we could put together an accurate list of the wares on Craigslist and not include used panties? These, however, are prime product, at least if you believe the provenance. Doesn't say which porn star wore these bad boys, but we're sure the customer service representative on the other end of the transaction can fill you in more. And hey, at $30, that's a discount... we hear.
Send your story tips to the author, Kyle Swenson.
Keep New Times Broward-Palm Beach Free... Since we started New Times Broward-Palm Beach, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of South Florida, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering South Florida with no paywalls.