Five Medieval Bible Lessons Not Included in Children's Book

Good news, heathens! Mary Roach is teaching the Bible to your children!

The South Florida author wrote a book titled Gospel Bits that teaches kids the alphabet and the Good Book at the same time. Gospel Bits is available at this year's Miami Book Fair International.

Roach's book leaves out many of the more medieval of the Bible's lessons, so here now are five rules she ought to include in the sequel.

"D" Stands for "Don't Fuck With an Apostle."
Source: Acts 5
Story: A husband and wife tried scamming the apostle

Peter out of some money. Peter, having a direct line to God, knew all about the deception. When Peter confronted the husband, the man fell to the floor, dead. Later, when Peter confronted the wife, he said: "Just outside that door are the young men who buried your husband, and they will carry you out too." And then the woman died. Because an apostle can kill you with the power of his mind.

"B" Stands for "You Break It, You Bought It."
Source: Deuteronomy 22:38
Story: "If a man happens to meet a virgin who is not pledged to be married and rapes her and they are discovered, he shall pay her father 50 shekels of silver. He must marry the young woman, for he has violated her. He can never divorce her as long as he lives."

"K" Stands for "Kidnap Your Wife in a Vineyard" 
Source: Judges 21
Story: After the wholesale slaughter of nearly every man, woman, child, and farm animal among the Benjamites, the Jews were sad. The Benjamites too were children of Israel, and now the surviving Benjamites had no womenfolk left to marry. And so when the fellow Israelites of Jabesh Gilead failed to gather for Mizpah, an army was dispatched to slaughter their menfolk and nonvirginal women. Alas, the take was small -- there were only 400 virgins in Jabesh-Gilead. And so the still-unmarried Benjamites were told to hide in the vineyards around Shiloh and to kidnap whichever women they found. Which they did. And it was good.

"M" Stands for "Murder Everyone You Don't Intend to Rape!"
Source: Numbers 31
Story: When Moses' troops killed the Midianites but spared the women and children, Moses was pissed. "Have you allowed the women to live?" he asked, disbelievingly. "They were the ones who enticed the Israelites to be unfaithful to the Lord!" Moses commanded his men: "Now, kill all the boys. And kill every woman that has slept with a man, but save for yourself the virgins."

"L" Stands for "Languishing," Which Is What Your Slaves Will Do, if You're Smart.

Source: Exodus 21
Story: When God was explaining to Moses how the Israelites were to handle matters of commerce and ownership, he was explicit. If you hit a slave so hard that he or she dies, you will be punished. But if you hit a slave slightly less hard -- so that, say, the slave hangs on to life for an agonizing day or three -- then you're in the clear, since "the slave is [your] own property."

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Brandon K. Thorp