Five People You Don't Want to Smoke With on 4/20

Well, America, the holiday is upon us: 4/20, the day they invented marijuana. Or something like that.

Anyway, as you probably know, a lot of people are going to be reaching for the bong on Sunday. If you're planning to be among them, remember to choose your drug buddies carefully. Sticking yourself with the wrong company can really land you in a bad situation or, worse, ruin your holiday. Here's a quick field guide for what you should avoid on 4/20.

See also: Eight Dumb Florida Pot Arrests To Celebrate 4/20

Anyone Currently Binge-Watching The Cosmos

Science hero Neil deGrasse Tyson is killing it with his new television special on the mysteries of the universe. Finally, all you physics nerds have been vindicated by a slick high-def series that explores special relativity, quantum mechanics, and all the other mind-blowing aspects of reality. Why not spark up and watch some episodes?

Why Not: Listen. If you have friends who are watching this series, stay away from them when it's time to puff-puff-pass. Exposure to this series is mind-expanding in all the worst ways -- basically leading one to the conclusion that human life is like a piece of dust in sunlight or something like that... basically, we're fucked and meaningless.

You want to be around someone when those thoughts start pumping through their chemical-racked dome? No, pal.

The Cute Girl in Accounting

Every time your paths cross in the break room, she's chatty and friendly, filling you in on the hip-hop shows she goes to, how much she loves Drake. And she's a redhead -- you die for redheads. And she keeps casually dropping those chronic code references like bread crumbs... until... she asks: Can you hook her up for 4/20?

Why Not: Stupid, stupid, stupid. First of all, if you're the chump who supplies her with the good green, her gratitude isn't likely going to be deep enough to spark a true romance. "How did you and Daddy meet, Mommy?" "Well, honey, Daddy sold Mommy drugs on 4/20." These are words that have never been uttered. No, you're just the creepy stoner source.

Besides your self-esteem, we're looking out for your cred. She'll tell Betty in accounting. Betty's a bigmouth, so Amanda in marketing finds out. She gabs to Ruby. Ruby spills to Olga, the night cleaning lady, another chatterbox. Now pretty much the whole office knows you're the weed guy.


Who doesn't love to groove to some jams while under the influence?

Why Not: Like, a real, I'm-in-a-signed-band or I-went-to-music-school-let-me-melt-your-face-with-some-Segovia-licks musician, then yes, absolutely.

Play on. But if it's just your buddy who's "doing music right now," no. These are the folks who pick up an acoustic guitar lying in the corner and begin to noodle, and noodle, and noodle, and noodle, until everyone else in the room is losing it. Try to tell them to pipe down or take five, Miles, and they get all angry about how you're harshing their buzz. Then everyone's mood is harshed. Game over, sports fan.

Parents (and/or Friends' Parents)

This might be hard to believe for you young bucks burning forests of weed like you're the Christopher Columbus' of cannabis use, but this shit is pretty old. Your parents (or grandparents, if they were some swinging hepcats) were probably exposed to marijuana back when you were just a piece of potential space dust in the ether. Now that the baby boomers are retiring, the social security set is rediscovering weed.

Why Not: Nothing really shatters your hard-won sense of social equilibrium like seeing adults and elders doing something they shouldn't be doing or something they told you not to do -- on weed. If you can imagine how awkward it is to watch adults behaving badly, then imagine it when your mind is twisted into a paranoid pretzel via kush.


That kid in the class who's about an inch taller than all the other students? With the thick beard, a pretty solid knowledge of SEC football teams, the one who is always asking about where he can get some "dope"? That girl who works in the massage kiosk at the mall, who seems really interested in you but is dying to get a hold of some... "dope"? Any person with facial hair that seems vaguely synthetic and asks you about... "dope"? Anyone unironically using in 2014 the word... "dope"?

Why Not: No, they're probably cool. Go ahead.

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