Broward News

Five Possible Career Options for Charlie Crist

After losing back-to-back elections, a candidate's tank of political capital probably is running on empty. But Charlie Crist isn't your regular pol.

Currently smarting from last week's loss to Rick Scott, a sequel to his 2010 U.S. Senate defeat to Marco Rubio, Crist is likely trying to figure out a next move. The party-hopping pol, however, has shown the resiliency of a Whack-a-Mole, popping up again where you least expect. Here are a couple of ideas of what Charlie Crist 3.0 might look like:

Fan Store Proprietor. If Crist's years in the GOP fostered any free-market smarts inside his well-coifed noggin, he would have already recognized this branding opportunity. "Fangate" became the political buzzword of the season; once most people forget about the details of this ugly gubernatorial contest, they'll probably still remember that Rick Scott pitched a hissy fit at the second debate because Charlie was cooling off with his trusted fan. A line of Charlie Crist-approved fans is a slam-dunk for late-night QVC.

Used Sofa Salesman. Hear us out on this one. Crist has shown his special chops as an able pitchman for used goods. You know, the kind of second-hand, has-been, preloved stuff that people have already tried living with once, gotten tired of, and taken out to the curb. Looks like he's got a 47.05 percent success rate.

Fourth-Grade Class Vice President, Bayview Elementary School. Word on the blacktop is that Jimmy O'Bannon's hold on the fourth-grade class presidency has been shaken by a recent third-period juice-box scandal. If Crist joins Amanda Rosenbluth's ticket as her running mate, he may finally have a shot at getting back into an executive position. Then again, he's bringing a lot of baggage to the race, and the fourth-grade races are notoriously negative.

Cialis Spokesman. Don't get the wrong idea. We're not claiming Charlie has any problems down south. But the 58-year-old Crist is such a picture-postcard of dad health -- that oven-baked tan; the dignified, snowfall sweep of hair; that slim, athletic build -- that he'd fit right in with those guys beaming from ads and commercials for ED medication. If Bob Dole's raisined ass can hawk the stuff, Crist is good for it.

2018 Candidate for Governor. Because... come on... you know it's bound to happen. We're counting down the days until Crist discovers his Green Party principles.

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Kyle Swenson
Contact: Kyle Swenson