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Five Reasons Allen West is Definitely Running for President in 2016

Let's be honest: the political scene in this state is hurting. A real snoresville. Gone are the Tea Party glory days for 2010. Back then, any given morning might start with an outrageous comment or crime against human decency thanks to a Florida elected official. A lot of that stemmed out of then-Congressman Allen West.

But since his defeat in the last election cycle, it's been too quiet around here. Sure, beefing tough-guy style with college students is fun and all, but a true fringe figure needs a bigger platform. Which is why West will most definitely roll his GOP credentials into a stab at the White House in 2016. Here are five reasons why, cross-referenced with citations from the well-revered text on the subject, Procedures for Presidential Wannabes.

5. Money. Thanks to his controversial stances, West is a proven fundraising machine. For his failed 2012 bid to keep his seat, he raised nearly $20 million. He rolled that campaign money machinery over into his current Deep Strike PAC.

Rule No. 1 in the Procedures for Presidential Wannabes: "Thou Needs Many Fat Stacks of Cash."

4. Michelle Bachmann. Although she held down the right-winger role in the last presidential primary season, it looks like Bachmann's ethics trouble could have eighty-sixed her ambitions for higher office. That means they'll be casting a new hard-ring crazy in the next cycle, and West is there waiting in the wings.

Rule No. 345 in the Procedures for Presidential Wannabes: "Only One Serious Loon Per Primary Season."

3. Abraham Lincoln. Here's the former Congressman in an interview with NPR after his defeat last year. Hint hint.

MARTIN: So what's next for you?

WEST: Look, you know, God closes a door so that he can open up greater doors. I will continue to, you know, stand up and fight for this country. That's my goal. I have two daughters, 19 and 16, and I want to make sure that they grow up in a great America that provides them all the opportunities that it provided to their mother and father.

MARTIN: Congressman Allen West is completing his term in Congress. He was kind enough to join us from a House recording studio on Capitol Hill here in Washington, D.C.

WEST: And always remember, Abraham Lincoln only served one term in Congress, too.

Rule No. 24356 in the Procedures for Presidential Wannabes: "All Washington Hacks Who Plan to Run For the Presidency Must Make Obligatory Lincoln Comparison Within the First Year."

2. New Hampshire. Last July West made an appearance in the deep south of the great north when he was the keynote at the Nashua Republican Committee's yearly "Steak Out" event. The state is the site of the first presidential primary, and often politicians use swings through NH to bolster their national rep.

Rule No. 27 in the Procedures for Presidential Wannabes: "Thou Shall Sacrifice All Common Sense at the New Hampshire State Line."

1. Dennis Kucinich. Because if anyone proved you can parlay a little fringe notoriety into a national brand by just endlessly running for president, it's our little man from Cleveland here.

Rule No. 28992.3 in the Procedures for Presidential Wannabes: "All Politicians Want a Wife Who Looks Like This."

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Kyle Swenson
Contact: Kyle Swenson

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