Five Reasons Everyone Should Hate the New England Patriots

Everyone hates the New England Patriots. If you put a group of Dolphins, Jets, and Bills fans into an empty room with only a keg of Natural Ice, pizza, and a TV playing Patriots lowlights on a continuous loop, they would come out the next morning best friends and probably godfathers of each others' children. The Patriots are North Korea. Everyone wants to defeat them but agrees it's better off if we don't see them on the schedule. 

Yes, I just compared the New England Patriots to North Korea. Leave me alone. I've spent my entire adult life watching Tom Brady stick his clenched fist down the Miami Dolphins' helpless portholes, then rotate it with a smile. 

Anyway, I obviously hate the New England Patriots, whom the Dolphins play this Sunday at 1 p.m. in Foxborough (CBS). You should also hate the New England Patriots. Here's why. 
5. Tom Brady refuses to age, and even when he does, he can just wear his own young face. 

Tom Brady is frickin' 39 years old; can you believe that crap? He threw a completion in the year 2000. 2000! That pass is old enough to be a mother. Thurman Thomas was a Miami Dolphin in 2000. Thurman Thomas is 50 years old now. Tom Brady is a vampire from American Horror Story.

Brady said last year that he wants to play football for ten more years, until he's 48 years old. If Tom Brady plays 26 years in the NFL, he will retire when his son, John Edward Thomas Moynahan (yes, that's his name!), is 19 years old. What if he plays football? What if he's a quarterback? What if he gets drafted by the New England Patriots? We could have, like, a year off from the Brady family reign. 

Also, Tom Brady is a cheater. He's also really bad at being a cheater. Tom Brady is a filthy, bad cheater. 

4. The Patriots keep making chicken salad out of chicken shit, and it's not fair. 

The Dolphins had Wes Welker for two seasons, and he caught a touchdown exactly once. They then traded him to the Patriots, and all he did was catch 672 passes for 37 touchdowns over the next six seasons. There is a long list of special teams players the Dolphins cut who went on to have nice careers with the Patriots. Now, the Patriots have picked up former Dolphins mascot/wide receiver Chris "7-11" Hogan, who is already doing awesome things like scoring long touchdowns, something literally no one since Irving Fryar has done for the Miami Dolphins. 

That's just the Dolphins, though. The Patriots consistently turn deadbeats like Randy Moss into Hall of Famers who get jobs on TV after they're done riding on the shoulders of adoring fans. Enough, already. Just once, it would be nice to see the Patriots trade for a high-risk player and get burned. Just once, we'd like a team to check with us before they sell them a good player for a seventh-round pick. 

3. Bill Belichick is the Dos Equis Least Interesting Man in the World .

Bill Belichick seems like a good enough guy outside of his role as a football coach, but inside of it, he's an enormously arrogant, pompous, patronizing dick. You know how they say someone is the "life of the party"? Bill Belichick is the death of the party. When he walks in, entire rooms are robbed of life. It's infuriating to watch this go on for over a decade since he only gets away with it because he's a freaking awesome football coach. DAMMIT. 

At least the San Antonio Spurs' Greg Popovich cracks a smile and seems to be in on the joke. Bill Belichick just doesn't care about anyone else or their feelings. He probably has some dark second life where he's into S&M or something — we have no idea, really. Belichick might be wearing nipple clamps under that sweater. Maybe that's why he wears such baggy clothes. Look into it, Boston Globe

2. The Patriots are cheating the NFL right now, as you read this. 

Patriots fans are, quite literally, the worst. Most Patriots fans spent their entire lives bitching and moaning about the stupid Red Sox never winning a title, and then they finally won... a lot. Then the Patriots won... a lot. Then the Boston Bruins won... a lot. So, what do Patriots' fans do? Find a neverending boatload of shit to constantly cry about. 

The Patriots have been caught cheating TWICE, yet Patriots fans act as if the NFL has a vendetta against them because they had the nerve to punish them for it. If you caught your partner cheating on you twice, would you assume those were the ONLY two times they had an affair? No. The Patriots are perpetual cheaters who can't even apologize when they get caught. 

1. Let's be honest: We hate the New England Patriots because we are peanut butter and jealous. 

And, so what? Yeah, we hate a rival because we are jealous. That's the main reason. Sorry, not sorry. The Patriots' run with Tom Brady has been everything the Dolphins' run with Dan Marino should have been. Unfortunately, Dan Marino was surrounded by a bunch of ass-clowns and is now for the rest of eternity known as the greatest player in sports history to have never won a goddamn thing.

It's enough, already. We are sick of the Patriots. We are sick of Boston. We are sick of Big Papi. We are sick of Matt Damon and Ben Affleck. We are sick of Dunkin' Donuts coupons coming in the mail. We are sick of clam chowder. Wait, that last one isn't true; clam chowder is delicious. 

We deserved better, but the New England Patriots got the girl. We hate them for it. 
KEEP NEW TIMES BROWARD-PALM BEACH FREE... Since we started New Times Broward-Palm Beach, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of South Florida, and we'd like to keep it that way. With local media under siege, it's more important than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" program, allowing us to keep offering readers access to our incisive coverage of local news, food and culture with no paywalls.
Ryan Yousefi is a freelance writer for Miami New Times, a lover of sports, and an expert consumer of craft beer and pho. Hanley Ramirez once stole a baseball from him and to this day still owes him $10.
Contact: Ryan Yousefi