Five Reasons Everyone Should Hate the Seattle Seahawks

The Miami Dolphins travel all the way across the damn continent to face the Payless back-to-school, generic sneakers-looking Seattle Seahawks this Sunday. You probably don't know much about the Seahawks because they basically play in Russia, but they are the worst, and you really should consider hating them. A lot. 

Why you might ask, should you hate a team that plays in a city best known for fish markets, coffee shops, and grunge bands? Let us steer you in the right direction, so when the Seahawks and Dolphins play this weekend, your cold, black, loveless, hateful heart is in the right place. 

5. Pete Carroll is the worst.

Pete Carroll looks like Willy Wonka, and he chews gum like Violet. He looks like Ellen Degeneres dressed up like a Seattle Seahawks coach for Halloween. If you squint your eyes, Peter Carroll looks an old, douchey Eleven from Stranger Things. He looks like Sue Sylvester took the role of a football coach.  

As a coach with the Jets, he once taunted Pete Stoyanovich after he missed an extra point that would have tied the game (then, Dan Marino got the ball back and won the game). Down four with a minute left in Super Bowl XLIX, he THREW THE BALL OUT OF THE SHOTGUN FROM THE ONE YARD LINE

4. Russell Wilson is annoying.

Russell Wilson looks like Bruno Mars on steroids. Russell Wilson had a bunch of sex, got married, got divorced, then decided to not have sex anymore until he got married; nobody does those things in that order. When Wilson finally did let his penis out of prison, he went on TMZ bragging about it. He basically acted like the Shermanator. That's like becoming a vegetarian at 37 years old and then eating a steak at 39 and telling everyone about it. WAY TO GO, RUSSELL, YOU DID IT! 

3. Seahawks fans think they are better fans than you. They are probably right, but still. 

I wish I loved anything like Seattle Seahawks fans love the color neon green and screaming in the rain. Seahawks fans love their football team more than Donald Trump loves Banana Boat Sunless tanning lotion. These assholes are such awesome fans that they didn't pony up the money to build the Seattle Supersonics a new arena, so they left, and now all they do is bitch about it.

The owners of the Sonics actually paid $45 million to move away from these people and to Oklahoma City. Nobody goes to Oklahoma City on purpose; they only go there for work conventions and layovers. Yet, an entire sports franchise moved there to disassociate themselves with Seattle. WHOA. That's like your wife leaving five thousand dollars on the nightstand the day she left you for Ben Carson. WHAT DOES BEN CARSON HAVE THAT I DON'T HAVE?! HE'S SO BORING! 

2. Seahawks don't even frickin' exist. 

Have you ever stopped and thought about what a Seahawk actually even is? No? Well, let's have a little talk about it, then. Seahawks aren't even a real thing. OK, good talk! 

Here is an explanation from the Audubon, the leading authority on everything birds. 
Actually, there is no such thing. No ornithologist would refer to them as such. (They don’t even spell it as one word.) Some people, though, consider “sea hawks” to be a nickname for ospreys or skuas.
Don't you feel lied to? I bet most Seahawks fans don't even know this. LOL, YOU ROOT FOR THE OSPREYS. How does it feel to be an OSPREYS FAN? Just to be clear, this is a picture of an osprey. The Ospreys sound like a team that played the Bayside Tigers in Saved by the Bell. A.C. Slater probably passed for 500 yards on your osprey asses in the '90s. 

1. Starbucks is ruining everything, including the reputation of pumpkin.

Pumpkin was once a flavor that was respected. Now, it's passed around more than Taylor Swift. This was cute seven years ago, but now you can't walk down the street without being offered a pumpkin-flavored donut with a pumpkin-spice-flavored beer to wash it all down. This traces back to Starbucks and their grande frappuccinos. Because of Starbucks, nobody looks at a pumpkin on Halloween and thinks, My gosh, that's scary. Ratherthey think, I wonder if they are going to throw that away; I'd like to make bread out of its corpse

Really, we can blame Seattle-based Starbucks for more than just pumpkin. They moved into Coffeetown, and rent shot right through the roof. Now everywhere you go, people think it's okay to charge airport prices for coffee. You used to be able to get a cup of coffee for 75 cents. Now, you'd be lucky to get one for the price of a Wendy's Bacon Jr. 

The Seahawks are the worst, and you should hate them. 
KEEP NEW TIMES BROWARD-PALM BEACH FREE... Since we started New Times Broward-Palm Beach, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of South Florida, and we'd like to keep it that way. With local media under siege, it's more important than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" program, allowing us to keep offering readers access to our incisive coverage of local news, food and culture with no paywalls.
Ryan Yousefi is a freelance writer for Miami New Times, a lover of sports, and an expert consumer of craft beer and pho. Hanley Ramirez once stole a baseball from him and to this day still owes him $10.
Contact: Ryan Yousefi