Five Reasons the Las Olas Gondola Is Keeping Romance Alive

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4. Booze. You can bring your own booze onto the Las Olas Gondola, which is good, because that slightly racist joke you love to tell works better after a few glasses of Pinot Grigio.

Upon arrival, your wine/vodka/fermented Listerine will be opened for you by your gondolier and chilled within degrees of your preferred sipping temperature. Glasses and plates are provided, and you're free to bring food, you know, so you don't look like an alcoholic.

We know you don't need alcohol to have fun, but you also technically don't need a spoon to eat a bowl of ice cream. Things are just going to be a lot less sticky if you have one.

3. Hands-free wine. This brings us to our next reason: the wonderful and ingenious Las Olas Gondola wine holder. If they had these in The Perfect Storm, they would have never even left port and George Clooney would still be alive. If they had these on the Titanic, maybe the captain could have used both hands to steer a little better. If Captain Phillips had these, maybe the pirates would have partied instead of pirating.

But the past is the past, and all that matters is that the Las Olas Gondola has them now. Without having to hold your wine, you'll have both hands free to fondle-a on the gondola. Amirite, Sal?

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Ryan Pfeffer is Miami New Times’ music editor. After earning a BS in editing, writing, and media from Florida State University, Ryan joined the New Times staff in November 2013 as a web editor, where he coined the phrase "pee-tweet" (to retweet someone while urinating). Born and raised in Fort Lauderdale, he’s now neck-deep in bass and booty in the 305.
Contact: Ryan Pfeffer