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Five Reasons Why Your Flight Attendant Hates You

When America's newest folk hero, Jet Blue flight attendant Steven Slater, quit his job in one of the great workplace exit scenes in modern history, people had mixed feelings. Some smiled, fantasizing about how they might one day make a similar over-the-top departure. Others wondered what could have caused a flight attendant with 21 years on the job to suddenly flip on a customer and change his whole life. For answers, we went to a local flight attendant who knows just how Slater felt.

Our industry insider works for one of the bigger airlines and asked that we not use his name (the job is hard enough). But he had no problem telling us everything he hates about you, the passengers he deals with.

Five reasons your flight attendant hates you:

1) You dress like shit.
"Do not come on the airplane dressed in your finest 'come fuck me' outfit and then complain that the airplane is cold. If you insist on wearing wife beaters, please wear one that isn't torn, stained, or too small. And yes, deodorant is a good thing. Also, for God's sake, put on shoes when you go the bathroom."

2) You can't use the bathroom properly.

"This is simple: When you go to the bathroom, make sure everything is completely flushed. No one is interested in what your had for fucking dinner. Men, aim for the fucking toilet bowl, not the floor.

And please, one at a time in the bathroom. Save the mile-high-club fantasy for home."
3) You pretend you don't know how this works.
"If you see me coming down the aisle, please make up your mind about your drink order. Don't wait for me to get to your fucking row and sit there with a blank look as you decide. If you tell me you want coffee, tell me how the fuck you take it. Don't wait till I give you black coffee and then tell me you wanted milk and sugar. I'm not a fucking mind reader. Oh yeah, and turn off your fucking cell phones when we ask you to."

4) You always ask for free upgrades.
"No, you can't sit in first class just because there's an empty seat. No, you can't get free alcohol because you're going on your honeymoon. No, you can't be moved up to first class because you're going on your honeymoon. And men, if this is your 'going to get married' flight, do not flirt with the flight attendants (male or female) on your trip to the bathroom."

5) You are just fucking disgusting.
"If you insist on picking your fucking nose in public, use a napkin for the residue, not the seat back. Also, I am not your child's disciplinarian. As I am walking by your row, do not tell your kids, 'If you don't sit down, this gentleman is going to be very angry with you.' Yeah, that's a nice thing to say to a 4-year-old, who is now staring at an intimidating stranger with terror in his eyes.

And, you back there, yes, we know you are jacking off under the blanket. Please stop."

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Michael J. Mooney

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