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Five Things Lou Dobbs Will Do With His Time In Florida

This week Lou Dobbs, the last of the original CNN anchors, announced he was leaving the station and ending his show on that network to "go beyond the role here at CNN" and "engage in constructive problem solving."

While this could mean many things, the smart money says his "constructive problem solving" means playing some golf outside of his West Palm Beach home (which we're sure was built solely by legal residents of this country, and is situated on a golf course we're also sure was built by only White mid-western farm boys) and waiting around for a time slot on Fox News.

I called the phone number listed for his WPB house to ask Lou about his plans for the new time off, but there was no answer--he must be out eating at restaurants who employ only legal residents or shopping for clothes made only by American hands from fabrics made of materials procured by non-immigrant field workers. So we decided to put together a little list of five things Lou will do while in the Sunshine State.

Not on the list: Driving by every gun store in Palm Beach county to tell people about the "winds of change" sweeping the country, watching his daughter's equestrian events in Wellington, or spending any time with any of the more "colorful" neighborhoods dotting our pleasant region.

Five things Lou Dobbs will do with his time in Florida:

Spray painting over all signs in Spanish
Between Miami and Fort Pierce there are a lot of Spanish speakers, and a lot of signs directing those people to spend American money on all sorts of things: from food to laundry to housing to general retail consumption. And yes, that money would, in theory, boost the American economy. But do you know what else boosts the economy? Buying thousands of cans of spray paint from Home Depot and Lowes. As long as every city promises to clean up the mess using white labor only.

Personally securing the Atlantic coast
Dobbs has supported the "Minute Men" marching around the north side of the Rio Grande with guns from day one. Now it's time to start the East Coast division of the same armed militia. Dobbs himself will cruise up and down the beaches--assault rifle in hand--making sure there are no immigrants crafty enough to invade this country through the ocean and do jobs spoiled Americans wouldn't consider.

Yelling at migrant workers in Jupiter
Every morning, hundreds of laborers and migrant workers in Jupiter line up to volunteer for work in the fields of South Florida or on construction sites across the county. These folks will make a perfect target for Lou, who can drive by in his American sedan and yell out the window things like: "Go home!" or "Get a real job, like spouting alarmist, xenophobic rants on a major cable news channel!" If all goes well, Lou will get his fill of daily immigrant bashing in just a few minutes. The problem: what if the American sedan breaks down before he can speed away cackling?

Getting wasted with Rush Limbaugh and Ann Coulter
Nobody knows how to party like conservative bloviators living in South Florida. Rush can provide the pills (yes, it's an easy joke, but still...) and Coulter can direct the group to all the hot spots in Palm Beach. Maybe late into one binge, Ann Coulter can stand up on the bar and declare that the group should--at that very second--take a drunken road trip to see the grave of Joseph McCarthy.

Working on his Glenn Beck impersonation
Yeah, he'll probably end up with a show on Fox. Presumably the folks at Fox would like to put him in a line up with their most controversial weeping histrionic Mormon, Glenn Beck. Now, to match the Beckster's simple-talk charm, ol' Lou will have to work on a few things: crying on cue, writing on chalk boards, making gradiose hand gestures that can distract the audience from the ridiculous words coming out of his mouth, and pulling conspiracy theories out of his ass. And even if he can master those skills, he still probably won't be as dead-on as Jon Stewart.

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Michael J. Mooney

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