So, giant rat-sized snails have decided to invade Florida now.
And they're roaming about by the thousands.
According to the Florida Department of Agriculture, a South Florida homeowner first reported the creepy things, and a recent report says that a total of 117,000 of these suckers have been caught since and O MY GAWWWD WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE! ALIEN SNAIL INVASION GAHH!!!!!
Actually, officials say that the snails hail from Africa and while one Florida Department of Agriculture spokesperson says they appear friendly* (*the fuck outta here with that), they are actually deadly to local plant life.
Which plants, you may ask?
Well, pretty much all the plants.
The giant mollusks are attacking and devouring over 500 different species of plants.
But wait. There's so much more creepiness to know about.
According to one report, the snails pose a danger to humans too.
For example, in places like Barbados, the snails have been known to blow out tires on the highway, and turn into flying projectiles when lawnmowers accidentally mow them over and spit them out with their blades.
They also apparently have a craving for stucco, which means you need to keep your eye out for giant rat-sized snails in your home. Fun!
Then there's the mess.
Snails usually eave slime residue everywhere they crawl. So, you can imagine the walls of thick molasses of slime these giant bastards leave behind. It won't be long before all of Florida will be like the library scene from Ghostbusters.
Also, the snails leave shit everywhere. A lot of shit. Giant African Snail shit does not sound appealing or sanitary or cool in the least.
And then there's this statement by the Florida Department of Agriculture spokesperson:
"They're huge, they move around, they look like they're looking at you."
Wait. THEY FUCKING LOOK AT YOU??? KILL IT WITH FIRE!!!
Experts say that the snails may have come to Florida via a Santeria group who apparently use the snails in one of their ceremonies. The experts also fear that the snails may carry meningitis, which would be a total bummer to our overall population.
And, the creatures are expected to continue spreading their creepy plant destroying, stucco eating, giant piles of shit leaving, flying death particles from lawnmowers scourge upon us, because they apparently multiply like crazy. Females can produce close to 1,200 eggs a year.
And here's the good news: The rainy season hasn't even started yet. Weeeeeeee!
We Believe Local Journalism is Critical to the Life of a City
Engaging with our readers is essential to New Times Broward-Palm Beach's mission. Make a financial contribution or sign up for a newsletter, and help us keep telling South Florida's stories with no paywalls.