Keep New Times Free

Florida Is Being Invaded By Giant Snails

So, giant rat-sized snails have decided to invade Florida now.

And they're roaming about by the thousands.

According to the Florida Department of Agriculture, a South Florida homeowner first reported the creepy things, and a recent report says that a total of 117,000 of these suckers have been caught since and O MY GAWWWD WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE! ALIEN SNAIL INVASION GAHH!!!!!

See also - Florida's Giant Snail Problem: Five Places to Get Escargot

Actually, officials say that the snails hail from Africa and while one Florida Department of Agriculture spokesperson says they appear friendly* (*the fuck outta here with that), they are actually deadly to local plant life.

Which plants, you may ask?

Well, pretty much all the plants.

The giant mollusks are attacking and devouring over 500 different species of plants.

But wait. There's so much more creepiness to know about.

According to one report, the snails pose a danger to humans too.

For example, in places like Barbados, the snails have been known to blow out tires on the highway, and turn into flying projectiles when lawnmowers accidentally mow them over and spit them out with their blades.

They also apparently have a craving for stucco, which means you need to keep your eye out for giant rat-sized snails in your home. Fun!

Then there's the mess.

Snails usually eave slime residue everywhere they crawl. So, you can imagine the walls of thick molasses of slime these giant bastards leave behind. It won't be long before all of Florida will be like the library scene from Ghostbusters.

Also, the snails leave shit everywhere. A lot of shit. Giant African Snail shit does not sound appealing or sanitary or cool in the least.

And then there's this statement by the Florida Department of Agriculture spokesperson:

"They're huge, they move around, they look like they're looking at you."


Experts say that the snails may have come to Florida via a Santeria group who apparently use the snails in one of their ceremonies. The experts also fear that the snails may carry meningitis, which would be a total bummer to our overall population.

And, the creatures are expected to continue spreading their creepy plant destroying, stucco eating, giant piles of shit leaving, flying death particles from lawnmowers scourge upon us, because they apparently multiply like crazy. Females can produce close to 1,200 eggs a year.

And here's the good news: The rainy season hasn't even started yet. Weeeeeeee!

Follow Chris Joseph on Twitter

I Support
  • Local
  • Community
  • Journalism
  • logo

Support the independent voice of South Florida and help keep the future of New Times free.

Keep New Times Broward-Palm Beach Free... Since we started New Times Broward-Palm Beach, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of South Florida, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering South Florida with no paywalls.

We use cookies to collect and analyze information on site performance and usage, and to enhance and customize content and advertisements. By clicking 'X' or continuing to use the site, you agree to allow cookies to be placed. To find out more, visit our cookies policy and our privacy policy.


Join the New Times community and help support independent local journalism in South Florida.


Join the New Times community and help support independent local journalism in South Florida.