A Florida man decided to catapult himself into first place as Worst Human Person on Earth after he allegedly slathered his girlfriend's 3-month-old puppy with hot sauce because it was making too much noise.
According to a Sarasota Police report, the Dachshund/Chihuahua mix named Gizmo was having a seizure and began making yelping sounds.
So to end all the yelping noise, the man decided to pour hot sauce all over the pup. Because, pffft... how else are you supposed to silence a puppy having a seizure? With love and care and, like, petting it and stuff?
The hot sauce got into the dog's eyes and throat and all over his fur and skin, the report says.
Sarasota Police were called to a home around 1:20 a.m. Sunday, responding to an animal cruelty report.
The woman who lived in the home told police that her boyfriend, Ephrain Myles, 47, covered Gizmo with hot sauce to shut the dog up after it went into a seizure.
The woman said Gizmo has a history of seizures.
Apparently, little Gizmo's seizure noises annoyed Myles to the point that he thought the only logical way to calm the animal down and help it was to pour the worst possible thing you can find in your kitchen cupboards.
Myles allegedly grabbed Gizmo and slathered the dog's fur and body in the condiment, police say.
The woman rushed Gizmo to the nearest fire station. Once there, the officers noticed that the puppy's eyes had swollen shut and that it was having difficulty breathing. At one point, Gizmo even became limp as officers washed off his fur with water and a cloth.
After cleaning the hot sauce off Gizmo, the officers swaddled the pup in a towel. He was turned over to Animal Services and is expected to recover.
Meanwhile, back at the house, officers spotted hot sauce spilled all over the floor. They asked Myles about it, but he told them he had no idea what was going on or how hot sauce magically ended up on the floor and the dog.
Cops didn't buy it, so they arrested Myles on aggravated animal cruelty charges and took him to the Sarasota County Jail, where he is being held on $5,000 bond, which comes down to roughly 8,000 bottles of hot sauce.