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| Humor |

Florida Man Says He Wants to "Marry My Porn Filled Apple Computer" in Federal Gay Marriage Case

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A Florida gay marriage case -- known in the federal court system as James Domer Brenner et al., v. Rick Scott, which challenges Florida's refusal to recognize gay marriages that are performed legally elsewhere (Brenner and his partner married in Canada) -- is sure to be one of the landmark court decisions to grind through the Sunshine State. But at least one person is elbowing in to make his own point.

Enter Chris Sevier, "a former Judge Advocate and combat veteran" who filed a motion to intervene on the Florida gay marriage case on behalf of "other minority sexual orientation groups."

In the 24-page document, Sevier says that if gay couples "have the right to marry their object of sexual desire, even if they lack corresponding sexual parts, then I should have the right to marry my preferred sexual object."

Which is?

"My porn filled Apple computer," according to Sevier's filing.

Recently, I purchased an Apple computer. The computer was sold to me without filters to block out pornography. I was not provided with any warning by Apple that pornography was highly addictive and could alter my reward cycle by the manufacturer. Over time, I began preferring sex with my computer over sex with real women. Naturally, I 'fell in love' with my computer and preferred having sex with it over all other persons or things, as a result of classic conditioning upon orgasm.

Short on sound legal grounding (and even shorter on wit), Sevier's filing is obviously an attempt to punk the legal system because he doesn't agree with gay marriage (as he says in the filing, "sexual orientation" never existed as a classification until President Obama came along to advance his "social agenda to make America a 'gay nation.'"

Sevier says he's here to make the courts "put up or shut up" on the equal protection argument upon which the push for gay marriage is based. He obviously thinks his obnoxious argument makes some point.

This seems to be part of his MO, clogging the legal system with ridiculous claims and troglodyte thinking. A Chris Sevier sued Apple because it sold him a computer without telling him about the evils of porn. A Chris Sevier sued A&E after it fired Duck Dynasty's Phil Robertson after he was caught spewing antigay talk. And just recently, a Chris Sevier tried to butt his way into Utah's gay marriage legal case. In a 50-page motion, he claimed he was there to make the court "put up or shut up" on the gay marriage issue.

Fortunately, here in Florida, the federal judge manning the gay marriage case has tossed Sevier for now. "Chris Sevier has moved to intervene, apparently asserting he wishes to marry his computer," Judge Robert Hinkle wrote in an April 24 ruling. "Perhaps the motion is satirical. Or perhaps it is only removed from reality. Either way, the motion has no place in this lawsuit."

Score one for common sense. Then again, it's a little depressing to see what gets flushed out of the weeds by a little progress.



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