Men of Florida, don't despair: There's always somebody out there with a willie smaller than yours.
This month, condomania.com released the results of its extensive survey of penis sizes around the nation. The company says it gathered "detailed information" about 27,000 peckers so to better design its condoms, which come in 76 sizes.
Condomania compiled its numbers from the trademarked "FitKit" it provides to help men determine the right size and shape of the condoms they're ordering. Unfortunately for South Florida ladies, our state didn't represent so well: Florida dudes came in at number 24, roughly a "gentleman's C" in academic terms. They're not flunking out, but they're not winning any Rhodes scholarships either.
So why did Florida men fare so unimpressively? We may hold the title for the most famous egg-shaped penis in the country, but when it came to size, our guys got totally whooped by pansy blue states like New Hampshire, Oregon, and New York.
Here, our unscientific theories about what happened:
1) Wide swaths of Florida are populated by old dudes. Time waits for no man's junk. Just as women lose height and develop dowagers' humps, men tend to, well, shrivel with age.
2) Florida has more than its share of "giant" Ponzi schemers. Many of them are Napoleonic in either stature (like Rothstein) or mindset (like Madoff). In the absence of confirmation from either Kim or Ruth, we're going to go out on a limb and posit that the size of the stolen fortune (or the size of the wristwatch) is inversely proportional to the length of the bat.
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3) Florida is second home to a lot of Eurotrash. And we all pretty much know what they've got cradled inside those skin-tight Speedos, don't we?
4) An uncomplicated algorithm: Count the number of Hummers parked on Las Olas Boulevard or Worth Avenue.
Florida attracts overcompensators the way D.C. attracts lobbyists. [D.C., by the way, did very well in the condomania survey]. Also: Count the number of XXX-tra long Hummer limos ferrying out-of-town douchebags in from the airport.