We have criminals, just like every other state.
But we have our own special kind of criminal. Namely, dumb ones.
And, because we're never in short supply of dumb criminals, we present to you our latest series of the dumbest Florida criminals of the month.
October was special for dumb Florida criminals.
So sit back, relax, and enjoy the stupid!
7. The Guy Who Held His Girlfriend's Grandfather's Ashes for $40 Ransom
A man and his girlfriend, who had been dating for two years, got into a heated argument one day when she returned home from work.
The woman saw her boyfriend standing in her driveway as she pulled in. She told him he couldn't stay with her that night and asked him to leave.
An argument ensued.
During the brouhaha, the man told his girlfriend he had hidden her grandfather's ashes and wouldn't tell her where until she gave him $40. He then left.
The woman eventually found the man at the probation office, where the argument picked up where it had left off.
But, unable to break the man's cunning scheme, she relented and agreed to give him 40 bucks for information on where her grandfather's remains had been hidden.
Holding someone's ashes for $40 doesn't seem to be a major a crime. It just makes you a major asshole.
Where the guy screwed up is, after the transaction was complete, he up and decided to strike the woman in the mouth with her house key. He also grabbed her arms and throat, the police report says.
That's when the cops were called in and the man was arrested on battery charges.
6. The Guy Who Attacked Another Guy With a Sandwich
Reggie Diaz was driving on South Semoran Boulevard near Leevista Boulevard in a 2013 Nissan shuttle bus when someone driving what looked like a 2010 Dodge Caravan sideswiped him from the rear.
Both vehicles pulled over to the side.
Diaz then stepped out of his shuttle bus when he was suddenly attacked by a sandwich.
Diaz says the other man launched the sandwich from his car, splattering it on the shuttle bus windshield. The impact of the sandwich sent pieces of it flying around, and Diaz, not exactly sure what the object was at first -- because who the hell goes around throwing sandwiches at people? -- ducked for cover.
5. The Guy Who Attacked a Dunkin' Donuts Employee for Getting His Order Wrong
A Largo man allegedly grabbed a Dunkin' Donuts drive-through cashier's arm because she had put chocolate in his coffee and extra bacon on his sandwich.
The man, 25-year-old Franklin Robleto, stopped at the D&D's drive-through on 7030 Ulmerton Road about 11:30 p.m. Saturday. Not liking that his coffee was spiked with chocolate and his sandwich had more bacon than what he had originally asked for, Robleto allegedly got out of his car and grabbed the cashier's arm in anger.
Not knowing exactly how to respond to the situation, the cashier threw a cup of coffee at Robleto, which is kind of a good tactic because, as your tongue can attest to many times over, that Dunkin' Donuts coffee is hella hot.
Robleto retaliated to this assault by throwing the tip jar at the cashier.
4. The Guy Who Showed a Cop the Weed He Bought in an Attempt to Rat Out His Dealer
Marcus Gollman called 911 after his alleged dealer's mother had yelled at him.
When the responding officer questioned Gollman why the woman had yelled at him, Gollman responded, "Because I had bought dope from her daughter, and now I'm gonna turn her in to the police."
Gollman then invited the police officer to his home to see the dope he had bought from the girl.
"Come to my house and I'll give you the dope," he said. "It's in a green plastic bag. It's a little marijuana."
"Here's the dope I bought, sir," Gollman said.
The stunned deputy, probably thinking this was the easiest bust he's ever made, then arrested Gollman on the spot.
3. The Guy High on Cocaine Who Avoided Alligators by Jumping Through His Windshield
A couple of Martin County Fire Rescue officials and a police officer spotted a 1995 Dodge Neon parked on Pratt Whitney Road near the entrance to a reserve.
The officials noticed sandy footprints dotting the hood and roof of the Dodge. They also noticed a big hole in the windshield.
When they looked inside the Dodge, they spotted a man sitting in the driver's seat. He had cuts on his body, and a bottle of painkillers spilled out on the floor.
The deputy asked the man what had happened.
The man says he jumped through the windshield to get his keys, because he was afraid of the "large gators."
The man also admitted to doing a lot of cocaine.
He also said he figured the insurance company would replace the windshield for free.
2. The Lady Who Gave Credit Cards to Cops So They Could Hire a Hit Man for Her
Anny Terrero's neighbors complained about possible drug dealing and prostitution going on at her home.
So Terrero agreed to be an informant for the Boynton Beach Police so she could finger a drug dealer for them.
It was on the way to nab the drug dealer that Terrero inexplicably started telling officers that she hated her husband and wanted him dead. She also told them she had a "plan in place" to off the guy, according to police.
The officers with her, probably wondering if this was either a joke or the easiest bust they'll ever make -- insinuated that they might know someone who she could hire to rub out her husband.
Terrero gave the cops her credit cards as a down payment and asked them to set her up with the hit man.
The following day, she met with the undercover cop, gave him a shotgun, and promised him more money. Once she did that, she was arrested.
1. The Guy Who Attacked a Junior Hockey Player for Elbowing His Son During a Game
Matthew Charles Supran, 44, was arrested after he went all Hanson Brothers on a 14-year-old who was doing that thing that hockey players do when they play hockey: namely, body checking other players.
The whole thing went down at a teenage hockey league game on Sunday afternoon. Supran was watching his son's team play when the player elbowed his son in the face during play.
According to the game's referee, the hit wasn't malicious, and the player was sent to the penalty box, per hockey rules.
But that wasn't good enough for Supran, who decided that what this kid really needed was a taste of Overreactionary Angry Dad justice.
Supran waddled onto the ice, grabbed the kid by the helmet, and slammed his bead into the boards like Mark Messier.
He then fell on top of the kid.
A referee had to pull Supran off the kid.
Keep New Times Broward-Palm Beach Free... Since we started New Times Broward-Palm Beach, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of South Florida, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering South Florida with no paywalls.