South Florida is under a windchill warning, and while I'm not a weatherman, it is currently so cold outside that I'm issuing a Boring Weather Conversation Alert. You're probably not familiar with the aforementioned and recently invented alert, so here's how it works: When the weather in Florida is mildly interesting, like a summer day when it doesn't rain, you will likely be stuck in at least one boring conversation about the weather. But when the weather deviates to its current witch's-tit conditions, you will likely be harpooned by boring weather chitchat ALL DAY! Again, I'm not a weatherman, but I'm recommending that you don't leave the house today and take a Boring Weather Conversation Alert personal day. It's sort of like a hurricane day, but in this case, you may get fired.
After the jump, authorities issue an alert for a missing inmate who escaped by being uninteresting.
Prisoner Escapes Using Boredom As Weapon
A private security firm transporting an attempted murder suspect from Fort Lauderdale to Philadelphia somehow lost him along the way. Nobody with the security firm can recall exactly when Sylvester Mitchell went missing, but they say it was somewhere roughly between here and there. Authorities are looking for a man described as 33 years old, wearing a bright orange vest and slacks, and apparently so uninteresting that nobody noticed when he totally took off.
Judge Can't Don Robes Due to 'Common Sense'
The Florida Supreme Court has decided that William Abramson won't be able to become a judge, even though he won his election to serve in Palm Beach County. The court said that it was "common sense" that Abramson shouldn't become a judge after his outburst in the courtroom of the judge he was running against. Now I don't know what Abramson said in court, but for the justices to make such a harsh move, I'm guessing it had something to do with either Bush v. Gore or windchills.
