Environmental

For the Woman Who Has Everything, Buy Monkey Porn


This weekend's New York Times Magazine has a lengthy article that dangles a tantalizing reward: The answer to the question, What Do Women Want?

Sexually.

Sorry, fellow straight guys. After 7,381 words, the writer and a slew of "sexologists" give a collective shrug. One thing researchers do know is that women are aroused by monkey sex. Oh, they'll deny it, but the lubrication don't lie. Specifically, the ladies like to see bonobos, like the couple above.

This would partially explain Ron Jeremy's appeal. It also makes a nifty investment tip. For those who've lost money in this stock market, buy shares of monkey porn companies, if they exist -- and if not, start one! For those guys just looking to spice it up in the bedroom, maybe a few scenes from the primate cage at the zoo will do the trick. You'd better do something to keep that wife / girlfriend -- researchers also seem certain that women are turned on by sex with strangers.

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Thomas Francis