Every city is like a fingerprint, unique and special in its own way. But few places are as special as Fort Lauderdale. If it were a finger, it would be a big fat middle one, poking out a half-open car window in the direction of an elderly man who's going 15 miles per hour in the left lane.
But, hey, that's why we love it. It's simply the best neighborhood in Broward, and I'm going to tell you why.
These little green guys are everywhere. If you live in Fort Lauderdale, there are probably three of them getting weird in your swimming pool as you read this. Sure, manatees are fun, but they spend most of their time underwater, and they die easier than a baby playing Call of Duty. I'm pretty sure the only way to kill an iguana is to drop it into Mount Doom.
They're kind of cute too. One time I saw one floating down Middle River on a bloated roll of toilet paper like a little iguana pirate. You can keep your rats, New York City. We're happy with our iguanas.
Yachts! With more than 42,000 resident yachts and 100 marinas and boatyards, Fort Lauderdale is to yachting what Aruba is to missing white girls. There's a reason we're the home of the International Boat Show, and it's not just because everyone else said no.
If you come to Fort Lauderdale with a lot of money and a small penis, chances are you're leaving with a yacht.
See also: Winterfest Boat Parade 2013
The Stranahan House! What's the Stranahan House you ask? Well, besides a disappointing field trip to third-graders, it's a really old house founded in 1901 by Frank and Ivy Stranahan, nestled in downtown Fort Lauderdale. The Stranahans were cool because they were basically the first white people to not give the Seminoles diseased blankets.
It's a neat little slice of history and a great story of the pioneer spirit (as long as you leave out the part about Frank Stranahan committing suicide in the front yard).
Canals! They call Fort Lauderdale "the Venice of America," and not just because it too will be underwater in ten years. Fort Lauderdale has canals. A lot of them. We tell our children that it's because God peed all over us, but actually most of them are man-made.
Try kayaking or paddleboarding down one. Just steer clear of the iguana trash pirates and you'll be fine!
Laspada's! Not only do we have THE BEST Laspada's, we have two! So shut up, Davie. And shut up, Coral Springs. I'd tell Boca to shut up too, but we all know that never works.
This isn't up for debate: Our Laspada's have the most talented meat throwers in the nation. And if you don't know what Laspada's is, you don't deserve to know. Keep chewing on $5-foot-longs, you Neanderthal!
Fort Lauderdale Beach! Welcome to Fort Lauderdale Beach! Is there a better beach out there? I think not! A day at Fort Lauderdale Beach is like a house party. There are cigarette butts everywhere, and if you leave your stuff unattended, it will be stolen. Kidding! (But keep an eye on your purse).
It has clear blue waters and none of those jagged rocky jetties. The sharks don't bother us either. They learned that we taste bad back in the 80's.
You can kiteboard, watch hot lifeguards rescue inexperienced kiteboarders, or hit up the local bars right across the street. Whether you like fishing, swimming, tanning, or flexing when girls walk by, our beach has something for you to enjoy.
Spring Break! You know how everybody flocked to San Francisco in 1849 when they heard there was gold there? Well, the same thing happened to Fort Lauderdale in the 80's. But instead of gold, it was the promise of spring break that drove the pioneer spirit.
You're tellin' me there's boobies as far as the eye can see?
Darn tootin! And Vodka flows like the Mississippi! Just over them there hills!
Over 20 years later, the party hasn't slowed down. Head out for a night on the town and you just might run into one of the original 80's Lauderdale spring breakers. Some never left...
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