Usually, we go easy on columnist Frank Cerabino.
The Palm Beach Post soothsayer, who looks like he should be ensconced in a cubicle somewhere selling insurance, seems like a nice guy. And, make no mistake, it's harder than it looks to write five 700-word columns per week -- and be funny on top of it.
But today, Cerabino discharged a column that was a) without insight b) bereft of humor, and c) blatantly geared toward a demographic of people who are old, white, and conservative.
Today, he called for Tim Tebow, who was just cut by the New England Patriots, to be our state Lieutenant Governor. And even if this was a feeble attempt at satire, it was written so straightly that -- sorry, we just didn't get the joke.
Take a gander.
There have been reports suggesting that Tebow has been advised to try a different position, or to take his quarterbacking to the Canadian league. But he's still waiting for a better offer.
And so why not this one? Accept an appointment as Florida's next lieutenant governor.
I know what some of you thinking: He has no political experience. He never held public office. He's just a big hunk of wholesome charisma.
The crux of Cerabino's argument, it seems, was to piggyback on a Tampa Bay Times column from earlier this week that wonders why Governor Rick Scott hasn't filled the vacancy at lieutenant governor -- and bring it to an unnatural conclusion, that no one, anywhere, is asking for.
His rationale? Because -- aww, shoot -- Tim Tebow is so gosh darn wholesome (translation: Christian), unlike the last person to hold the chair of lieutenant governor.
But in case you haven't noticed, Florida has been without a lieutenant governor for the past six months. The last holder of the office, Jennifer Carroll, resigned suddenly after investigators began looking into her former professional life as a public relations consultant to a gambling operation masquerading as a children's charity.
That's a big hunk of unwholesomeness.
The lyrical gods of writing doth grace Cerabino's pen this morning. He's like a can of Gerber Baby, serving up slightly chewed morsels for readers, who apparently have the reading capacity of a preschooler.
It's clear Cerabino isn't seriously. Nonetheless, let's take a moment and contemplate the feasibility of his wish and thought process. Imagine: Tim Tebow, the second most important politician in the Sunshine State. Cerabino doesn't question Tebow's inexperience because Rick Scott had never done politics before either. But that's stupid. Because Rick Scott -- whatever else you say about him -- was actually a successful businessman before taking office. While Tim Tebow is 26, has the worst arm in the history of quarterbacking, and whenever anything flummoxes him, he cries out to the Big Guy for salvation. Governance is neither football, nor church.
But here's the best part of Cerabino's hastily-composed drivel:
Now that the phone's not ringing from the NFL, the time is right for Scott to make his pitch to Tebow and remind him of that pledge to give back.
His governor needs him. There's a do-nothing job that needs to be filled by a person of great public appeal.
The great part about appointing Tebow as the lieutenant governor is that he still can pursue his football dreams. He can work out every day, and if the chance arises, play football again in the NFL while also being the state's lieutenant governor.
That's right, everyone! Here in Florida, we love Tim Tebow so very, very much, that we'll endow him with state office, so he can waste taxpayer money on his salary chasing a football career -- which is never going to happen -- for free!
Fuck it. Let's just make him governor.
Take it away, Cerabino. Take it away.
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