Guantanamo Bay Prison Reviewed on Google, Gets 2.8 Stars

Prisons don't often come to mind when searching for online reviews, yet the Guantanamo Bay detention camp has plenty, with 30 out of the 47 total Google reviews coming in the last week alone, and averaging a rating of 2.8 out of 5 stars.

It's not clear what prompted this recent string of not-so-rave reviews, but most of them appear sarcastic in nature towards the accommodations at the facility in Cuba, which was built by the U.S. Government in 2002 to house those foreign detainees suspected of being terrorists.

See Also: Obama Administration Urged to Halt Force-Feeding of Prisoners, Mos Def Subjects Himself To It In Protest (VIDEO)

Many users seemed to be impressed by the excellent service provided by Guantanamo prison staff. Joseph Satkowski gave it three stars and wrote:

Best tropical vacation yet. The staff wasn't too incredibly friendly, doling out regular beatings and such. However, the other customers totally made up for any bad attitude that the staff had. On the rare encounters I would have with them, we would discuss politics and such. Turns out, I have much more in common with the people I met there than back home.

And the food was exquisite. User John Kozar gave it five starts out of five:

The experience was truly top notch, there was so much good food to eat that they were LITERALLY FORCING IT DOWN OUR THROATS.

The security was top notch, according to Nicholas Guyadeen, who gave a rating of four stars:

From the time you set foot, there is security everywhere makes you fell very safe. I dont recommend you bring children as there might be land mines in the sand. Every part of the camp we went too there was an armed escort who made us fell very protected. However there was a part of camp which was off limits to regular's I guess VIP access only.

They even have games, according to James Simmons, who also gave a generous five-star rating:

Timmy loved the taser wake-up calls and Sally really took well to the water-boarding events...My wife Martha entered the daily contest and won us an extra night's stay after competing in the cavity search and somehow winning first place (THREE TIMES IN A ROW).

However, Michael Taylor were not all that impressed. He gave it only one star:

Hotel Staff were very rude. Food was awful not enough attention to detail. Bed small and uncomfortable and i saw a rat or two in the night. Outside lights were kept switched on and they insisted on a bed check every two hours and a roll call at 5am to ensure no guests had left without paying. We were transported to our rooms from the plane by hand cart and our luggage was confiscated Would not reccomend.

But apparently this place has free admission, said user Johhny Appleseed, who rated it four stars:

Final note: Admittance is free courtesy of the US government :P :D You don't have to do anything right or wrong to get in. You don't even have to ask to go on this free vacation. They just push a button to randomly pick you and lock you in their little fun house.

So if you're planning to take your family on a nice little vacay, listen to Andie Jacobson, who gave Guantanamo a solid four-star rating:

I took the whole family! The kids loved the crafts where they made nooses out of human hair and shivs. The food was pretty good, though I didn't find our dining director to be quite forceful enough...I think next trip, I'll put up more of a fight and see if it improves. They're very conscious of the risks of skin cancer and provided (at no additional charge) orange jumpsuits that protected us from the climate. Because I voted for Ron Paul, I was even extended the "traitor" rate. The guy in the cell next to me said he got the "whistleblower" rate and said it was such a deal that it made all the extradition hassle totally worth it.

If you want to know what it's really like, take it from the 166 detainees who still remain at the camp, except for the 46 who were designated to stay there indefinitely, they may never get out.

Follow David Minsky on Twitter and Instagram

KEEP NEW TIMES BROWARD-PALM BEACH FREE... Since we started New Times Broward-Palm Beach, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of South Florida, and we'd like to keep it that way. With local media under siege, it's more important than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" program, allowing us to keep offering readers access to our incisive coverage of local news, food and culture with no paywalls.
David Minsky is U.S. Navy veteran and Tulane graduate who has experience reporting on stories from California, South Florida, and the Deep South. He also won some journalism awards. Email or tweet David with story tips and ideas.
Contact: David Minsky