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Hard Knocks Episode 2: Chad's Requiem & Penis Haircuts

Last night's episode of Hard Knocks featured gut-wrenching moments, scrappy white receivers, Sean Smith shutting people down, David Garrard getting injured, Chad Johnson getting fired, and rookies getting cock-and-balls-shaped haircuts.

It was a jam-packed episode. Here's your recap:

- Things started a bit intense this week as the opening scenes gave us Joe Philbin's reaction to the death of Andy Reid's son. Philbin lost a son himself, and to see him talk about how he found the strength to carry on through football and through taking the job as Dolphins head coach was gut-wrenching. This is the kind of thing that'll get you rooting for a guy. That, and gambling.
- The Hard Knocks folks are really going to milk the shit out of this Les Brown thing. For those late to the party, Les Brown is a superfast white dude who used to be an accountant and is now trying out for the team at tight end. However, he's small, and his blocking technique is shit (Hard Knocks loves to show Brown getting the dick knocked out of him during blocking drills). But HE'S GOT HEART. And a hot girlfriend they keep showing. Because... titties!

- I don't know about you, but offensive coordinator Mike Sherman seems more head coachy to me than Joe Philbin does. Sherman is loud, foul-mouthed, and angry. Philbin is a mild-mannered Scooby Doo villain-looking motherfucker. It's probably meaningless, but it's worth pointing out.

During a meeting with the offense, Sherman picks guys out and then proceeds to shit on them in front of the others. THIS IS AWESOME.
"Where's Charles?"
[Charles raises hand]
"You're shit!"
[Charles makes sad face]
"Where's Egnew?"
[Egnew raises hand]
"You were drafted as a high pick. You're shit. It's not good enough!"
[Egnew makes a sad face]

- Hard Knocks showed Ryan Tannehill singing "Lean on Me" in front of the team. This was probably some kind of rookie hazing thing. There's something about your future franchise quarterback signing that song.

- This episode showed us scenes of veteran players randomly picking out rookies and giving them horrible haircuts. Josh Samuda got the worst of it. They shaved his eyebrows off and then gave him a dick mohawk. During a team meeting, Philbin asks Samuda to take off his cap and show everyone his new haircut. Samuta turns his head and reveals a dick-and-balls-shaped hairstyle for everyone to point and laugh at.

- In keeping with its tradition of showing us scrappy white guys trying to make the team, Hard Knocks introduced us to receiver Chris Hogan. Hogan has been earning a reputation for running precise routes and always being open, prompting Reggie Bush to nickname him 7-Eleven. So even if Hogan doesn't make the final 53-man roster, he at least walks away with a cool nickname.

- Offensive line coach Jim Turner: "If you jump offsides on a Green Bay play, what are you? You're a fucking asshole!" Offensive line coach Jim Turner is awesome.

- During one scene, offensive linemen are watching game film that has the Dolphins cheerleaders singing "Call Me Maybe" edited into it. This was done to lighten things up after a hard week for the players. But mostly, it was because of titties.

- There was a weird scene showing Dolphins players playing Ping-Pong in slow motion for some reason. The fuck was that about?

- This episode gave us a glimpse of last Friday's preseason game against Tampa Bay. It also gave us a glimpse at how the Dolphins are still shitty. It also gave us a glimpse at Tannehill's impressive debut, which allowed them to give us a glimpse of his wife cheering him on in the rain. Because... titties!

- The episode closed things out with Chad Johnson's arrest. We saw Philbin meet with the team the following day and explain in his rambling way that things are just so gosh dern not good. The scene with Philbin telling Johnson they were parting ways was intriguing.

It was weirdly calming and awkward, with Philbin trying to break things gently to Chad. Chad's contrite face and goofy T-shirt, pants, and slip-on shoes made for a nice juxtaposition. The fart noises made by the leather couches didn't help.

Alas, the team moves on. It's got some scrappy white receivers to look at.

NEXT WEEK: Who will replace Chad Johnson? Also... titties!

Hard Knocks airs on HBO every Tuesday at 10 p.m.

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Chris Joseph
Contact: Chris Joseph

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