Heat Fall to the Lowly Washington Wizards, 105-101

This is what happens when the Heat players look like they left all their fucks in their other jeans and those jeans are in the wash.

A 105-101 loss to the Washington Wizards, the worst team in all of professional sports: That's what happens.

It's nothing new. The Heaters have been lollygagging the first three and a half quarters of games for the past five games, only to have Ray Allen hit a three-pointer with 18 seconds left to pull off the win so they can then go to Liv.

But not this time. The lollygagging came and kicked them square in the pills and snapped a six-game winning streak in what has to be one of the most embarrassing losses in franchise history.

It was only the second win for the Wizards all season.

But if losing to the lowly Wizards in December is the inevitable SI Cover Jinx... we'll take it!

The Big Three came through with strong offensive performances.

LeBron James had his first triple-double of the season, recording 26 points, 12 rebounds, and 11 assists.

Dwyane Wade poured in 24 points, and Chris Bosh added 20.

The rest of the team, however, was just an old garbage bag filled with assholes left out in the back for the garbage guys to come collect it.

Allen was very un-Jesus Shuttlesworth, going 4-for-12 from the floor and not having the touch from beyond the arc. Mike Miller went 4-for-10. Udonis Haslem, 0-for-3. And so on.

But worse than bad offense was the Heat's atrocious defense.

The Heat, a team allegedly built to be a defensive unit first and foremost, allowed the NBA's worst offense to score 105 points. 

Coach Erik Spoelstra called Miami's whatever-the-fuck defensive effort and eventual loss a lesson.

"We made a furious, competitive comeback in the fourth quarter like we had been doing," he told reporters after the game. "But I think we all learned a lesson. You can only go to the well so many times."

LeBron was asked the same question.

"Nah, man, there's not no lesson," he said with a sort of shrug. "This ain't a lesson for us. We just lost. We've seen and been through everything, so we don't need a loss to be like, `Oh, let's catch ourselves.' It happens."

Hey, man, shit happens. There's not no lesson. Got it?

In 1996, a depleted, short-manned Heat team was forced to face the juggernaut Michael Jordan-led Bulls. Behind Rex Chapman's nine three-pointers, the Heat beat that Bulls team.

That Bulls team went on to win 69 games and, eventually, its third-straight NBA title.

Shit happens.

So, everybody unclench your assholes.

Besides, with the Knicks coming into town tomorrow night, we all know what that Wizards game was.

Right, Admiral Ackbar?

Damn straight.

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Chris Joseph
Contact: Chris Joseph