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Homeland Security Finally Pays Off

The Miami Herald busts a huge story this morning about football superstar Michael Vick and a dastardly water bottle he tried to get through security at Miami International Airport.

Turns out the apparently simple and harmless "Aquafina" bottle Vick was carrying had a secret compartment filled with the EVIL WEED! That's right, Vick, the Atlanta Falcons quarterback whom we innocently believed wasn't a monster, has probably been smoking MARIHAUNA all along!

Or, as the Miami Police Department calls it, the "dark particulate." Vick tried to get through security with the bottle and when told to throw it away, he protested a bit before complying (it's a well-known fact that no hophead wants to part

with even the smallest amount of their subversive satisfying agent).

And, as Evan S. Benn tells us in his well-done deadliner, he might have been able to get away with it had it not been for an alert screener named Gertrude Joseph. She thought there might be something funny about that water bottle and pulled it out of the trash after the athlete, whom she and others recognized as Vick, left. Then Joseph, a national hero, found her paydirt.

Thank God the Department of Homeland Security is guarding us against reefer smokers like Vick, who are known to exhibit bizarre and dangerous behavior, such as forgetting what they were talking about in mid-sentence and eating large quantities of chocolate ding dongs. And stupidly trying to get marijuana through airport security in a trick water bottle.

The water bottle is pretty cool though. You can buy one here.

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Journalist Bob Norman has been raking the muck of South Florida for the past 25 years. His work has led to criminal cases against corrupt politicians, the ouster of bad judges from the bench, and has garnered dozens of state, regional, and national awards.
Contact: Bob Norman

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