Beach Place in Fort Lauderdale has gone through some type of reverse metamorphosis since its birth in 1996. What was once an oceanfront butterfly has crawled back into its cocoon, where it has been for the past decade, regressing into a fat, belligerent, alcoholic caterpillar.
It's official: Beach Place is a nuisance. And I'm not just saying that. It's legally official.
Beach Place has gone from upscale eateries to places that specialize in getting you fucked up, from high-end retail stores to vendors selling cheap plastic and neon.
What exactly was it that turned Beach Place from a tourist destination to a certified nuisance? Probably some concoction of alcohol and bad company, but the transformation doesn't have to be permanent. Maybe, with a little elbow grease and a couple of gallons of penicillin, just maybe, Beach Place can return to its former glory.
Here are a few suggestions how.
Use cups. Stand outside of Beach Place for an hour and you'll see an endless drunken parade of people carrying fish bowls, long plastic tubes, buckets, and pretty much everything except your traditional cup.
If you serve people drinks in bowls and buckets, don't be surprised when they act like animals.
Get better security. It's no secret that the bouncers of Fort Lauderdale Beach are about as esteemed as the seagulls that poop on them.
With assaults being one of the major problems that led to the nuisance cap Beach Place now wears, security no doubt needs to be tighter.
The cops were called to Beach Place more than 600 times in the past six months. It's safe to assume a healthy chunk of those were for brawls.
Here's some advice. When the guy with no shirt and four tribal tattoos ups his bro ratio to three per sentence, it's time to stop serving him. When he starts trying to borrow a cigarette from the cardboard cutout of Dan Marino in the corner of the bar, it's time to escort him out.
Class it up. Back in the day, Beach Place had a Banana Republic. Today the only banana you'll find in Beach Place is being used as a bong in the parking garage by a group of high school juniors.
You can't take a step in Beach Place without seeing something obnoxious written on a tank top.
Just because people visit Beach Place to party doesn't mean they want to feel like they're in a really bad music video. It doesn't have to always be spring break, Beach Place. Sometimes people just want to hang out. And that's hard to do when the classiest thing on the menu is called The Brain Punisher.
Get a Bar Rescue. If ever there was a place in need of some tough love on reality television, it's Beach Place.
It's already happened once in Fort Lauderdale, though I'm not sure you could fit this big of a rescue into one half-hour episode.
But just in case you're listening, Beach Place, you can submit for a Bar Rescue here. Help us, Spike TV; you're our only hope.