Let's face it, we love our family, but we don't always like them. That's why Thanksgiving can be tricky. There's only so many times we can listen to our Uncle's theory that George Zimmerman works for Obama before we feel the urge to slit our wrists with the long end of the wishbone.
So how do you make it through three hours of heavy carbs and uncomfortable questions? You're going to need some way to distract yourself. And what better, more numbing entertainment is there than a drinking game?
Here are the rules:
You need one main drink in front of you. This can be either beer or wine (if desperate use mouthwash, fermented hummus, or apple juice with a splash of gasoline).
You must also have an accessible Jello shot hidden amongst the cranberry sauce, and one concealed flask that can either be hidden underneath the table, or strapped to the collar of a family pet.
The rest is simple: Drink when one of the following things happens:
Someone lies to Grandma Three sips -- even if it was for her own good. Keep an eye out for someone catching an elbow to the ribs when they nearly reveal that Patrick's girlfriend's name is Fred.
Someone texts underneath the table Find the Jello shot and slurp it up when this happens. And it will, because we live in a time where this is not only likely, but inevitable. Watch any younger cousins sitting at the table. They need to Instagram at least every thirty seconds or their throats start to close up.
Someone uses an outdated racial slur Two sips for any archaic racial epithet. If you start getting too buzzed, just give Grandma a big chunk of turkey and a dull knife. That will keep her occupied for at least an hour.
Uncle Carl sticks his fist up the turkey I know he does it every year, but goddamnit it's hilarious! Four sips!
Someone drops a fork Take one sip, but pace yourself. Uncle Willy lost three fingers in Vietnam and his grip stability decreases significantly when his hand is covered in gravy.
Someone uses the phrase "in this economy" Two sips and a bite of potatoes. This is a go-to phrase whenever someone wants an easy way out of a conversation, and, during Thanksgiving, that happens a lot. But enough already, guys. You can't blame your DUI on the economy, Ricky!
Someone says something passive aggressive Just kidding. I'm not trying to get sued for organizing a mass alcohol-induced Thanksgiving suicide.
A punch is thrown Game over! Finish your drink, slurp up the cranberry sauce, call over the family pet and down that flask. Eddie just made fun of Peter's needlepoint obsession for the last time.
It was fun while it lasted. Now see if you can grab a drumstick before you lock yourself in your room and watch the last quarter of a football game.
We Believe Local Journalism is Critical to the Life of a City
Engaging with our readers is essential to New Times Broward-Palm Beach's mission. Make a financial contribution or sign up for a newsletter, and help us keep telling South Florida's stories with no paywalls.
Support Our Journalism