Life is hard, and everything sucks. Racial tension is escalating, murderous militant extremists are running rampant, our white politicians lie about what race they actually belong to, and we’ll stab each other in the neck over the color of that goddamn dress! Stress is pervasive in everything. Our lives have decayed into an amorphous black nullity. An ecclesiastical, mournful futile existence. Is there no answer to all the meaninglessness??
PUPPIES ARE THE ANSWER. PUPPIES.
In what has to be the greatest idea in the history of everything, the Humane Society of Broward County has created the Snuggle Delivery program where, for a donation, they will bring a batch of real-life puppies to your place of business so you and your coworkers can snuggle with them for an hour until you die. This is a real thing. And it is the most fucking adorable thing you’ll ever encounter. I am a witness.
The premise of the idea is simple. Puppies are adorable. People are stressed. Just a few minutes with a puppy relieves stress. And that’s not just me talking. That’s science!
And so, HS Broward invited me to tag along for their first Snuggle Delivery. And as soon as I walked into the room and saw the little critters ready to be cuddled, the results were pretty much everything you’d expect. Spoiler alert: AHHH MAH GAHH LOOKIT THE PUPPIES I WANT THEM ON MY FACE PUT THEM ON MY FACE!
The place of business was McGladrey, a tax and consulting firm nestled in the heart of downtown Fort Lauderdale. It was here, inside their regal offices, that I would encounter a cluster of what looked like pod people. Their faces were grim, their necks tight, their eyes glazed. These were people in desperate need of stress relief. It is tax season, after all, and it was either cuddle with the damn puppies or burn the damn building to the ground. Something had to give.
I was met at the offices by the Humane Society of Broward's digital marketing specialist, Adam Goldberg, who told me that the idea behind the Snuggle Delivery program was not only to help people but to get help for the shelter. All proceeds raised from the program go to help the animals at the humane society. But the program also has a secret scheme going as well.
One hour with these little guys and the temptation to take them home is overpowering. Like a siren song made of little yelps and licks to the face. Goldberg gave me a look like he knew people from McGladrey would look to adopt the puppies after spending some time with them. It's an ingenious way to give the pups a home. And resistance is futile. It's DIABOLICAL, really.
McGladrey's gaggle of employees lined the perimeter of a vacant conference room, plastic mats and pads strewn across the floor. A cage separated them from the puppies. The cage was removed, and the puppies spread out about the room and ran to each person, almost like they were trained to do it. HOW CONNIVING.
One puppy in particular ran straight toward the ladies of McGladrey. He'd thread his way around the room, let a dude pat him on the head, yeah, yeah, nice to meet ya, bro. And then he'd bolt straight to a woman and turn on that puppy charm like he was a puppy Ryan Gosling.
And Puppy Ryan Gosling had game. And the ladybug handkerchief around his neck just made it unfair.
I mean, look at this guy WORK:
Dour faces soon became nothing but smiles, and the atmosphere of the offices went from reticent to pure joy. Silence was replaced with laughter and swoons. These puppies were bent on conquest. And they did just that. The feeling was palpable.
It was like witnessing an adorable miracle. We were no longer in a workplace. We were in heaven. And it was raining puppies.
Each employee had a one-on-one experience with the furry little guys. And, as time went on, talk of maybe taking one home began to sprout here and there.
Adam Goldberg's scheme was working.
Soon enough, a woman named Maria walked up to Adam and said she wanted to adopt one.
That's right, Puppy Ryan Gosling was going to a loving home.
Twenty minutes after that, another employee announced he was adopting a pup.
"It's working," I said to Adam. "Congratulations!"
Adam smiled and said thanks. His expression said, "Pffft... never in doubt."
"This was such a great idea!" one woman exclaimed as she held a shaggy pup in her arms. "All that's missing is some beer. That would make it absolutely perfect."
Everyone laughed. Mission accomplished.
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For the low price of just $150, the number crunchers at McGladrey were able to let their worries melt away.
So if any boss out there (ATTN: NEW TIMES BOSSES) wants to give his employees the gift of stress relief, he can contact Adam and the Humane Society of Broward at 954-266-6813. You can also go here to register.
Go ahead. You know you want to.
Happiness is a warm puppy cuddle.