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IKEA vs. Apple Store: Which Is the More Hellish Shopping Experience?

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Round 2: Food

At either of these stores, you're bound to be there for a while. Which means you're bound to get hungry.

IKEA boasts an array of authentic Swedish cuisine. But, let's acknowledge the elefant (Swedish for "elephant," y'all) in the room: IKEA's meatballs once tested positive for horse meat. But let's also not ignore the other elefant in the room (because it's staring at me, and it has an erection): why is that a bad thing?

We have weird rules in this country about what we can and can't eat. Pigs? Sure! Dogs? No way? Cows? Of course! Librarians? How dare you!

But why exactly are we so against eating horses? They're not even cute! They look like an angry wizard cast a spell on Pauly Shore. And they're not even nice. Look what one did to Christian Bale! (New Times can not confirm the man in the video is in fact Christian Bale, though there is a slight resemblance and Christian Bale would totally try and pet a wild horse).

The Apple store (despite its misleading name) doesn't actually sell food, and even a pelican would have trouble swallowing the new generation of iPhones, so it looks like you're going hungry.

"But wait," you say. "You can always just walk downstairs and go to the Galleria's Sbarro!"

Sure, and while you're there why don't you just order a cockroach linguini you imaginary idiot! If I'm eating cockroach, Joe Rogan better be standing next to me with a $50,000 check.

The decision is in on round two. Horse meat is delicious and underutilized, and the Apple store has a depressing menu of cold metal. Apple store has worst food.

Round 3: The Product

Now it's time to consider what we're actually standing in line for.

IKEA's furniture has developed a cult following. Mainly because it's the cheapest furniture you can buy without sending an anonymous Craigslist vendor several pairs of used underwear.

Apple sells technology. Unlike IKEA, it is very expensive

IKEA's Scandinavian furniture is practical and efficient.

The use of Apple's technology often requires help from a row of employees known as the "Genius Bar." They are not practical or efficient. They are named things like "Edgar" and will ask you if "you have tried turning it off and on."

IKEA furniture comes unassembled, and must be put together by your dad, unless you forgot to call him on his birthday, in which case you're on your own, buster!

Apple technology is assembled in a factory in China that has barred windows to prevent the frequent suicides its deplorable working conditions have made so common.

BUT your futon won't help you find Kim Kardashian's sex tape in only .21 seconds.

Round over. Apple uses porn to its advantage and pulls a last minute upset over IKEA.

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Ryan Pfeffer is Miami New Times’ music editor. After earning a BS in editing, writing, and media from Florida State University, Ryan joined the New Times staff in November 2013 as a web editor, where he coined the phrase "pee-tweet" (to retweet someone while urinating). Born and raised in Fort Lauderdale, he’s now neck-deep in bass and booty in the 305.
Contact: Ryan Pfeffer