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In the Clouds

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Gangsta Yanni

After allegedly calling his girlfriend a "cunt" and a "whore," packing her clothes in garbage bags, and kicking her ass all the way to the iron-gated curb of his Manalapan mansion, Yanni's gangsta cred crept up about ten notches. Cops were called, and the international beautiful-music icon spent a night in the local pokey before returning to his oceanfront enclave. Officials admit that the man known as John Yanni Christopher isn't affiliated with the Crips or the Bloods. In fact, Yanni claims allegiance to no "set" — he's a lone wolf.

"Gang activity isn't so noticeable in Manalapan," said a local officer, "but it's not unheard of. What is unusual is that Yanni is Greek, and we know of very, very few Greek street gangs. But you never know. It could be the start of something serious."

As news of Yanni's misogynistic behavior made the papers, some musicians who'd always considered the mustachioed keyboard magnate nothing but a schlockmeister had to reconsider that appraisal. In fact, as Tailpipe went to press, word surfaced that Yanni was teaming up with popular British dance act the Prodigy for a collaborative remake of that band's number-one 1997 hit, "Smack My Bitch Up."

The song will be re-created with a 72-piece orchestra and performed live at the Acropolis for a televised special.

"Turns out, Yanni ain't afraid t' slap a bitch, choke a bitch, whatevuh," said Prodigy member Liam Howlett. "He told that ho what time it was, yo, an' we respec' that."

In fact, Yanni now has a queue of hip-hop artists lining up to record songs with him — often songs that depict fairly harsh treatment of the distaff side. Eminem, Snoop Dogg, and Ludacris have all contacted Yanni's manager, expressing interest.

"My man finally learned it ain't 'bout nothing but bitches and hos," Snoop Dogg said. "He just needed to get that John Tesh bullshit out of his system first."

— As told to Edmund Newton

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