Indiana Pacers Strike First Blood in Game 1 Over the Heat

Well, that was rough.

The Miami Heat dropped Game 1 of the Eastern Conference Finals to the Indiana Pacers 107-96 in a game in which Miami never even led.

It was a swift and rough kick right to the pills from the get-go and featured one of the most frustrating performances by the Heat since, well... since Game 4 of the Brooklyn series.

Care to relive it? Probably not! But let's delve deeper into the poop canal anyway to figure out what went wrong and what needs to happen to fix it.

It'll be the reading equivalent of when Andy Dufresne crawled through 500 yards of sewer water to escape Shawshank!

1. Chris Bosh Was a Big Pile of Dinosaur Shit Look, we love us some Chris Bosh around here. He's got a silky-smooth jumper, is intelligent, funny, and an absolute .Gif Face artist. But his Game 1 performance was an abomination to all things basketball. Chris Bosh was, in short, a giant heap of velociraptor shit.

Bosh looked completely lost on both sides of the ball. He went 4-for-12 from the floor, including 0-4 from three, and managed to grab only two -- TWO -- rebounds on the game. He finished things with no steals and no blocks. The entire game consisted of Chris Bosh waddling from end to end looking like Bambi when there was a fire in the forest.

If the Heat have any chance of getting through this series, they're going to need more of Delightful Rawr Bosh to make several appearances. He needs to start and stay aggressive. And that doesn't just mean chucking eight threes at inopportune times.

2. The Heat Are at the Mercy of Mario Chalmers Being Great or Being Trash Mario Chalmers has a knack for making an awesome play one minute, and then a run-crushing inept one the next. And in this game, we saw more of the inept Mario than anything else.

His line reads like pure unadulterated ass: 6 points, 1 steal, and only 5 assists. That's not what you want from your point guard.

And that's not even the half of all the suck. Chalmers' dumb flagrant foul on C.J. Watson was cheap and dumb and usually something reserved for Miami's opponents. But Mario lets his immaturity get the best of him at times. Just because you're playing like a bucket of dicks doesn't mean you need to lose your cool and go tossing dudes into scorer's tables.

Chalmers needs to get back to being Sexual Chocolate if Miami wants to get back to the Finals.

3. LeBron Looked Like a Normal Human, and That Sucks Remember in Superman II when Superman gives up his powers to become just a normal dude so he can marry Lois Lane? And the very first thing that happens to him after that is he gets his ass completely dented at a diner by some trucker? That's what LeBron James looked like in this game. He looked mortal, human... fallible.

Sure, his stat line -- 25 points on 11-for-18 shooting, 10 rebounds, 5 assists -- is pretty much something most men would stab their mom's in the face with a dildo for. But this is LeBron, so it's just meh.

Mainly because his defense was pretty miserable. The first mistake may have been putting him on David West, who (along with every other Pacer) ended up torching the Heat. LeBron ended up with no blocks and just 3 steals. That won't happen again.

But, for Game 1, he was most definitely Clark Kent getting the shit kicked out of him at a diner by a trucker.

4. Dwyane Wade Came to Obliterate Fools Before the series even began, Lance Stephenson decided to up his douche into new stratosphere of insufferableness and told reporters that his plan of attack against Wade was to make his bad knee flare up by making him run around a lot.

Wade responded to this by simply erupting in a 27-point performance.

Unfortunately, his teammates didn't follow suit.

5. Let's All Chill the Crap Out Some important things to consider as we prepare for Game 2.

a.) The Heat was tentative in attacking the rim, instead settling for jumpers and remaining passive on offense. Expect that to change.

b.) 107 points for the Pacers is so ridiculous, it's likely never to happen again in this series. Indiana shot 51.5 percent from the floor and hit 8 three-pointers overall. The Pacers do not do this on a regular basis. Expect that to change.

c.) The Heat has dropped Game 1 four times in the Big Three era and has ended up winning all four of those series, including the Finals last year and the Finals the year before that.

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Chris Joseph
Contact: Chris Joseph