Jose Canseco Says He Knows How to Time-Travel, and Now You Can Too! | The Daily Pulp | South Florida | Broward Palm Beach New Times | The Leading Independent News Source in Broward-Palm Beach, Florida


Jose Canseco Says He Knows How to Time-Travel, and Now You Can Too!

Jose Canseco has a knack for always tweeting out interesting things to his 482,520 or so followers on a daily basis. And by "interesting," we mean "batshit nutty." 

Yesterday, the steroid-drenched slugger took to Twitter and tweeted out this ominous message:

"Yes time travel is possible. Will explain later."

So the world waited with bated breath to hear the former MLB star emerge from the internet's shadows to let us all know how to do it, so we can go back in time and screw up our parents' meeting and play a mean electric guitar at their high school dance. 

Turns out, the flux capacitor we've been looking for was inside us all along!

"The only way to time travel is in your dreams, subconsciously. To do this you must know how to control your dreams," Canseco wrote in this column for Vice yesterday. "For example, I constantly ask myself, "Am I dreaming? Am I dreaming? Am I dreaming?" If you condition your mind to ask that question every half hour while you're awake then, after a while, you will ask it even in your dreams. Once you get the hang of it, you'll be time traveling in no time at all."
Scientists and astrophysicist have for decades been studying black holes and worm holes and combing through the writings and formulas of Albert Einstein and Stephen Hawking, searching for the keys to time traveling. But Jose Canseco tells us science and stuff ain't matter because it's all in your dreams.

Jose goes on to explain that he learned the art of time traveling after his first divorce. But as he explains, the pain from the toll of the breakup subsided once he took a nap. Take that, scientists! 

My heart was broken, I was depressed all the time, and I just couldn't take the pain. Somehow I realized that the pain subsided once I entered a dream state."

From here, Canseco gives us different examples of his time-traveling adventures, such as visiting his mom and his late father. He even recalls one time when he went back to his old high school so he could kiss the popular cheerleader he had a huge crush on but was too nervous to talk to.

When I time travel I'll see her there and literally walk up to her and kiss her; you can pretty much do whatever you want. You can even fly to different spots, zooming through the air."

 *smooch* Weeeeeeeeeeeee!!

However, time traveling isn't always perfect. Jose can't seem to go back in time to play baseball again. As he explains, every time he tries, something happens that prevents him from getting on the field. Like, for example, bringing his boss some Dipping Dots and then stumbling and dropping it on the floor. Or something. 

I looked at [Red Sox general manager Dan Duquette] and said, "Listen, I want to play tonight." He responded with something crazy like, "If you want to play, go get me vanilla Dippin' Dots with chocolate syrup on them." I searched everywhere for the stand, and when I finally found it and bought a cup of Dots I immediately fumbled it and dropped it to the ground. I was like, "Oh my God!" but at this point I was really determined, so I kept trying until I finally got one back to Duquette without dropping it. Then he started making all of these other crazy excuses for why I couldn't play, saying, "Now I want this, and then I want that..." It was insane.

Jose does go on to warn that you can't travel to the future, and you're not allowed to change history; otherwise, you'll wake up from your dream in a weird time and place.


Sometimes I'll even tell myself, as a child, "Listen, when you get to the majors, never do steroids." Of course, that never works, because I still am where I am.

Perhaps we're all better off that Big Jose can't sway Little Jose to stay away from the juice. Otherwise, how else would we have learned the secret of time traveling? Them steroids is a wonder drug!

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Chris Joseph
Contact: Chris Joseph

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