Jury Finds Phallic Camel Responsible for Addiction; Cops Test the Crap Out of White Powder | The Daily Pulp | South Florida | Broward Palm Beach New Times | The Leading Independent News Source in Broward-Palm Beach, Florida

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Jury Finds Phallic Camel Responsible for Addiction; Cops Test the Crap Out of White Powder

A guy who smoked two packs a day died because he was addicted to cigarettes, a Broward County jury has found, and the ruling could clear the way for 8,000 more identical trials. The ruling comes as news to me, not only because I could quit smoking at any time but because I believed Joe Camel when he said smoking wouldn't hurt me and would instead make me as cool as a dick-shaped camel.

The attorney representing the man's widow ended the trial by

telling the jurors:

"People smoke because they're addicted, not because they choose to. Nobody wants to be addicted to cigarettes. It's as addictive as cocaine and heroin."

Who knew that high-powered attorneys were the type to try cocaine and heroin? Perhaps it was simply as an experiment to determine that, yes, cigarettes are more addictive. But either way, it makes me want to try cocaine and heroin, even if the attorney isn't a dick-shaped camel.

After the jump, the attorney representing the smoker's widow may have left some powder behind.

Mysterious Powder Leads to Police Binge

Somebody used white powder to spell out letters and symbols on the beach in Palm Beach. Cops cordoned off the area to test the powder, which turned out to be corn starch. The results were an embarrassment to the cops who had tested the powder, because now they have no explanation for why they stayed up all night talking, followed by a seriously depressing crash.

Courthouse Floods Again, My Records Are Hopefully Next

Authorities are drying out the Broward County Courthouse after another flood. This time the water soaked a courtroom that handles child custody cases. At this rate, I'm figuring it's gotta be the next flood that finally soaks the records department where my records are kept, hopefully forcing prosecutors to drop those possession charges. Hey, at least it wasn't nicotine.

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Eric Barton
Contact: Eric Barton

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