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King Tit

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Praise Jesus! At New Times, we were filled with the spirit last week when the Reclaiming America for Christ conference made its annual pilgrimage to Fort Lauderdale. For a few days, anyway, the godless ways of our neighbors and friends experienced the righteous wrath of a biblical slap upside the head, and this backsliding nation moved that much closer to the promised land. Come on, sweet Rapture!

But as much as we felt spiritually nourished by last week's doings at D. James Kennedy's Coral Ridge Presbyterian Church, we also felt great shame. How else to describe the shock we felt when we realized that out-of-towners on their pilgrimage to such a blessed event might, on their lunch hour, encounter the filth that appeared in a local "publication."

We're referring to the truly vile column, reprinted here, by a writer who goes only by the name Nasty in a magazine published for South Florida motorcycling enthusiasts, Wheels on the Road. Each month, Mr. Nasty (a resident of north Miami-Dade County) reveals his latest fantasy about a fictional heaven he calls "Nastopia," where, presumably, Harley-Davidson owners go after they perish.

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Wheels on the Road

Such a piece of writing is unconscionable and can only buttress pastor Kennedy's assertion that this country is on a greased road to hell. But go ahead and judge for yourself:

High society meets the Boy King in the once-in-a-lifetime "Tutankhamun and the Golden Age of the Pharaohs" exhibit at the Fort Lauderdale Museum of Art. This is a big deal all over South Florida and is making our area a mecca for the fine arts. It's high class for sure.

Well, Nastopia has its high society and fine arts as well. Come with me and I will take you on a tour of the Nastyopolitan Museum of Tits. It's a unique experience of sights, smell and sounds that will fascinate men of all ages and some chicks.

As you approach the building, you will notice its very unique shape, which is that of two very perky breasts, much like those of my baby Laurie. As you enter between the cleavage, you will see a world of wonderment.

Lining the walls of the first room, you will notice many very beautiful women chained to the walls, bearing their beautiful tits for all to enjoy. This room is also called the dictionary room, where placards below each woman show the many names given to the female breast. Names like tits, hooters, puppies, milk pillows, mammaries, etc.

The next room we enter is called the "Breast of the World Exhibit." This is where each country has sent its best pair of tits for all to ogle and fondle. This is truly a great room, as all the world's finest women are there for your touching pleasure. As you walk through the Nastyopolitan Museum of Tits, you most likely will become aroused at the sight and feel of so many wonderful mammaries, so I have summoned hundreds of "oral relief stations" throughout the building, so that if you need to bust a nut, there will be a luscious red-lipped receptacle awaiting your every deposit.

The most exciting room is called the "Celebrity Breast Exhibit." Here you will find the naked breasts of Hollywood's A-list celebrities, such as Pamela Anderson, Dolly Parton, Demi Moore, Angelina Jolie (doubling as an oral relief station with those most famous luscious lips), Marilyn Monroe, Jessica Simpson, Jessica Alba, and many more, all standing bare-breasted for your viewing and touching pleasure. This is also where you will find the most oral relief stations for your sanitary purposes.

As we continue our tour, the next room houses the "Historical Boobs Exhibit." Such notables as Queen Elizabeth, Jacquelyn Kennedy Onassis, Hillary Clinton, Imelda Marcos, Yoko Ono Lennon, Barbara Bush and more. No touching here, as I do not believe that you would want to anyway. Barf bags are at the door.

The next stop is at the snack bar for a little rest and something to eat. Here you can try such unique foods as titty-shaped burgers, tater tits, tits in a blanket and breast milk ice cream shaped like Minnie Mouse's tits. You can also taste fresh breast milk from the "wall of tits," much like the wall of frozen drinks at Fat Tuesday's, with 24 flavors for your sucking pleasure. Halle Berry provides the chocolate-flavored milk, while Eva Longoria lets you suck Tequila-flavored milk, and Nicole Kidman has the all-American white milk for your slurping pleasure.

As we continue our tour of the Nastyopolitan Museum of Tits, we enter a room with the "Tits of Porn Exhibit." Here you will find the hooters of porn's more notorious sluts. This room is packed full of porn's brightest stars, such as Jenna Jameson, Nina Hartley, Linda Lovelace, Tabitha Stevens, Sandee Westgate, Kaiya Lynn, Stacy Thorn and many, many more. Each and every one of these hot babes will allow you to touch and fondle your way to ecstasy, then they will become your personal oral relief station. Boy, I love this museum!

The final room contains the "Interactive Breast Exhibit," where you get to touch, feel and use the female breast for its many wonderful uses. Here you can fondle, snuggle, suck, lick and titty fuck yourself to ecstasy with more than 1,000 pairs of the finest breasts imaginable. This is truly a man's dream cum true.

Just before concluding your museum tour, you can shop till you drop in the Museum of Tits gift shop. This shop is filled with all sorts of titty products for the fun at heart. Titty shaped candy and chocolates, titty boxes, titty pens and pencils, titty lotion and flavored gels, as well as titty books and magazines. It's all about titties in this state of the art gift shop. This will conclude your tour of Nastopia's Nastyopolitan Museum of Tits.

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