Well, it happened. You've crossed into the Red Zone. We know, we know, you meant to get around to it yesterday, but TNT threw on a back-to-back showing of the Lord of the Rings trilogy (extended cut) and you ate all those cookies. Now it's 9 am on Christmas Eve day and your bag of gifts is completely empty. If you want to avoid all those tears and angry looks coming from the other end of the dinner table on Christmas Day, you're going to have to act quick.
The options are limited. The mall? You kidding? At this point, with all the last-minuters already there, you need to put a Chernobyl-length distance between yourself and any shopping venue, for the sake of mental stability. Unfortunately, online outlets are also no help in this situation. Unless . . . you turn to Craigslist.
We decided to do the hard work for you, dipping into the vast, unedited, and endless live-stream of strange and weird offerings from South Florida natives. Some of these gems might be the best bet for saving Christmas.
For a younger brother: "Vintage Trucker Hat Collection For Sale - 28 Hats - $20 (Boynton Beach)"
Last year he laughed in your face when you tried to give him that Gap hoodie, said he now was more into a "no label" aesthetic. This selection of 28 tucker hats just might be "authentic" enough to shut his ass up for the next calendar year.
For a little nephew: "ATARI 2600 Video Game System - $75 (West Palm Beach)"
These things actually exist? We just thought the Atari was just a bedtime story parents used to tell kids to explain where Nintendo came from. This is a pretty significant find, but will a rousing, two-dimensional round of Mission Command be enough of a nail-biter to keep today's ADHD gamers happy? We just might grab this for ourselves, mount that sucker on the wall as a conversation piece. For a dad: "Frosty machines - $600 (Miami Gardens)"
Loves his Frosties, dad does. So why not outfit him with the hardware to make the kinda-ice cream in the comfort of his own home? These machines are a little pricey, but they look to be legit. Now, how someone gets his hands on restaurant-grade ordinance . . . that's between you and the seller . . .
For a college roommate: "King Tut Sarcophagus CD/DVD Cabinet 7ft tall -- $350 (Pompano Beach)
Guy's had a tough haul over the last ten years, what with quitting his accounting job, losing his long-time lady, and struggling on that screenplay. But hey, at least he's not living on your pull-out anymore. This is the perfect studio apartment warming/Christmas gift. Finally he can stack up all those Monty Python DVDs in one place.
For an uncle's third wife: "Portable Stripper XXX Pole Dance Fitness Go-Go Exercise - $200 (Plantation)"
Did you think something related to South Florida wouldn't end up involving a stripper pole? At Thanksgiving, your uncle's newest One-And-Only gave a demo of the latest moves she'd picked up in hip-hop yoga class -- a clear indication things were moving in this direction. Go ahead and outfit her with the latest in edgy exercise. The Craigslist write-up suggests this pole is for fitness, but as the accompanying action shot shows, the item can also handle some recreational use.