The Miami Heat clinched its Eastern Conference semifinal matchup against Brooklyn on Wednesday night, beating the Nets 96-94 in a thriller that saw Miami pull off a comeback led by LeBron James and Ray Allen.
The Nets were not going to go quietly. Everything they threw toward the basket went in. Basketballs. Anchors. Babies. Shoes. Car batteries. Food. Old Commodore computers. Bags of old chicken parts. Your mom. ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING, AND IT WAS AGGRAVATING.
The Heat needed a 12-0 run with time running out to get through those insufferable Nets. And it took a monumental pairing of LeBron and Ray to do it.
How did they do it?
Let's get into the recap, and LET'S GET THIS PARTAYYY STARTEEEHHHHH!!
In the annals of human history, people discuss three seminal events: the discovery of fire, the invention of the submarine, and Ray Allen always punching an entire fan base square in the asshole with his awesomeness. We were once on the other end of that punching, back when Ray was a Celtic.
But then he realized being in Boston was just too much douche for a classy dude like him, and he came on down and joined forces with LeBron, Dwyane Wade, and Chris Bosh.
And we have all been blessed ever since.
Against a Nets team that would seemingly knock down any ridiculous thing it'd throw at the basket, the Heat found itself on the brink of having to travel back to Brooklyn and deal with all those dipshits who chant "BROOK-LYYNNN" like they're mocking their own team. On the brink of having to see Paul Pierce strutting around after an 8-for-18 game where Joe Johnson was the real star. On the brink of having to hear the national media talk about how the Heat is soft.
But then Ray Allen decided to remind us why we all call him Jesus (it's because of that movie, but also because he's awesome, by the way) and went and unleashed his Jesus powers on the Nets and brought a wrecking ball to their hopes of extending this series.
When the Heat couldn't grab a rebound and Johnson was lighting the Heat on fire with a 34-point performance, Allen was an ageless, tireless flash of rampaging badassery, grabbing at loose balls and keeping possessions alive.
Riding on the crest of Wade's 20-point first half, Allen and LeBron decided to tag-team the Nets into submission and take over the game when all things looked their bleakest.
Allen and LeBron were the catalyst of a 12-0 run that would turn the game around and punch the ticket to Miami's fourth-consecutive Eastern Conference Finals.
Johnson kept spitting fire all over LeBron, and the Heat would answer. But with time running down and the Nets not missing, buttholes across all of Heat Nation were puckering up so tight, they collectively shat diamonds.
And then, with 30 seconds left and the Heat down by one, it happened. Again.
Ray Allen rescued the Heat from the sullen depths of having to deal with people being really annoying every time Miami loses.
The Nets' defense was swarming the Heat and sending everything at LeBron.
LeBron was forced to pass the ball to Mario Chalmers, causing everyone in the arena and watching on their TVs to yell out, "OH DEAR GOD NO DON'T DO IT MARIOOOO!"
Inexplicably, Mario passed up his chance at taking the shot and threw the ball to Ray in the corner.
And then this happened.....
And then the Nets tried to win the game at the end with Johnson, but LeBron and Allen combined powers once again and this happened....
And LeBron was all like....
And the Heat bench was all like....
And Heat fans were all like....
And the Nets were all like....