The Cleveland Cavaliers tried everything to end the Miami Heat's record-setting win streak on Wednesday night.
They tried the ole "weird oily substance that leaks from the ceiling and delays the game for 35 minutes" trick.
They tried the "crazy fan runs onto the court in the middle of the game with a 'We Miss You' T-shirt" razzle-dazzle.
They even tried a good old-fashioned 27-point lead.
But in the end, as it goes with the Heat, LeBron James decided to flex his nuts, reached GOD MODE, and took a blowtorch to the Cavs hopes for a mega-upset, leading Miami to its unreal 24th-straight victory.
It was supposed to be a simple return trip to Cleveland for LeBron and a breezy win for the Heat, what with the Cavs limping out onto the court without stars Kyrie Irving, Dion Waiters, and Anderson Varejao.
Instead, it turned out to be probably the most speed-bag-your-Dad's-testicles insane game this Heat team has been a part of thus far.
For starters, tipoff was delayed when LeBron noticed an oily substance leaking from the Quicken Loans Arena ceiling (is there nothing he can't do???). Turns out the leak was fluid from the scoreboard, delaying the start of the game 35 minutes.
As if that weren't enough, the Heat began things as if they had left all their FUCKS in a hotel in Boston and had none to spare upon their arrival to Cleveland.
Dan Gilbert's boys began red-hot, head-butting Miami in the balls with what was at first a 20-point lead that soon ballooned to 27 points.
But then, just as the Cavaliers repeatedly smacked the Heat in the mouth with a flashlight and looked to snuff out the magical winning streak, Miami crawled back from the depths and looked to exact rage-filled vengeance on Cleveland not only for this game but for all those douchenuggets who burned LeBron's jersey in effigy when he decided to come to Miami.
Twelve minutes was all it took for the rivers of yellow and red blood to flow.
Twelve minutes and some Cobradick, with a little Shane Battier sprinkled in.
In that time, the Heat overcame a 67-40 deficit -- the largest hole it's found itself in this year -- with 7:44 left in the third quarter.
Led by a flurry of threes from Battier, AKA The Professor, AKA The Horsetronaut, Miami went on an unheard-of 43-12 run, capped off by LeBron James flushing down not one, not two, but three threes, which he ended by standing at center court and defiantly nodding at exasperated Cavs fans as if to exclaim, "LOOK UPON MY WORKS, OHIO, AND DESPAIR."
By the time the three-point barrage was over and the carnage had subsided with a Cavaliers timeout, the Heat held a four-point lead.
Entering the fourth, the Cavs had one last gasp of fight left in them, but you just knew it was hopeless.
The sheer ridiculousness that was this game heralded the message: This one was over, and the Heat were now only nine games away from meeting the 1971-72 Lakers on top of HOLYFUCKTHAT'SANASSLOADOFCONSECUTIVEWINS Mountain.
LeBron James was pure devastation -- crashing the boards for 12 rebounds while dishing out ten assists and scoring 25 points. A triple-double for the Human Triple-Double.
James singlehandedly brought the ruination of the Cavs' hopes in the fourth quarter, accounting for 22 of the Heat's 30 final period points, which included 14 points on his own while dishing out eight assists to teammates like Mario Chalmers and Jesus Shuttlesworth.
Final score: Heat 98 - Cavaliers 95.
"This was one of the most bizarre, unique days of my life with everything that happened," said James afterward.
"It also was one of the best comebacks I've ever been a part of."
Simply put, LeBron James, and this insane winning streak by the Miami Heat, is a walking epic poem.
As Homer himself once wrote:
Sing, O goddess, the anger of LeBron son of Akron, that brought countless ills upon the NBA during this winning streak that has reached 24 games...
Many a brave soul did the Cobradick send hurrying down to Hades, and many a hero did it yield a prey to dogs and vultures,
Including the Cleveland Cavaliers, whence he once came; They who had an insurmountable lead on LeBron's Heat but were at once consumed in a cataclysm of fire and Cobradick
The roaring seas and many a dark range of mountains and a 27-point deficit lay between the Heat and their 24th straight victory.
What god drove the Heat to fight with such a fury?
LeBron Raymone James;
He who knocks against the stars, and plunges basketballs into rims from above and afar
And, as Cleveland held on to their impossible lead, and the world wrote off the Heat's winning streak and called it to end on this night,
LeBron cleaved the earth,
The ground burst into flames,
Mountains blazed; clouds evaporated,
Crazy-ass fans ran onto the court,
The lead perished,
LeBron knocked down three three-pointers in a row, did the Nick Van Exel dance,
And Cleveland was reduced to ashes.
If you like this story, consider signing up for our email newsletters.
SHOW ME HOW
You have successfully signed up for your selected newsletter(s) - please keep an eye on your mailbox, we're movin' in!