The local personalities, egos, and public figures who swung through the news cycle this week, ranked by New Times' crack research department using a highly scientific algorithm (i.e., a statistical flow chart documenting which of your buddies' "girlfriends" you've actually seen in person).
5. Izhar Khan. Twenty-six-year-old Khan and his father have been stewing away in a cell after federal authorities brought them up on charges related to terrorism. But in what's becoming all too common, the government seems to have overplayed its hand, tossing around the terrorism allegations with little proof. This week a judge tossed the case.
4. Oral Sex. Big week for pro-offered mouth-love in odd circumstances, so we decided the act itself was showering in a particular Zeitgeist moment. First, you have Cooper City Commissioner Lisa Mallozzi telling a resident to "blow me" at a recent meeting. Next up, Palm Springs Middle School teacher Mary Patricia Maloney offers a hummer to a cop in exchange for an out on a DUI. And now, we have Alexander Marcelino Perez, who walked into a Bradenton sex shop and walked out with a stolen "Super Sucker." It's in the air.
3. James Tracy. Did you think this bullshit-slinger was going to be off the radar? No dice. The FAU professor who tried to get all smarty-pants pomo on the media's role in the Sandy Hook tragedy is still with us, this time in a constructive way: Tracy claims FAU is opening an investigation into his comments, which, if true, seems fitting to us.
2. LeBron James. Sure, LeBron put up a season-high 39 against the Lakers last night. And yeah, he did just cross into the exclusive 20,000-point club -- the youngest to do so. So it is a pretty good time to be LeBron James. You know who it's not a good time to be? Heat fans. Come 2014, you know LeBron -- tragically self-conscious prima donna that he is -- isn't going to let the opportunity to polish back up his image for the history books go by. 2014, he'll be strapping back into the Cavs' wine and gold. Let's call it "The Return."
1. Fane Lozman. When Rivera Beach destroyed Lozman's floating two-story house three years ago, it was screwing with the wrong millionaire. He took a lawsuit against the city all the way to the U.S. Supreme Court. This week the court ruled in his favor.