This November, throngs of Floridians will strap on their sandals and flop their way to the polls to cast ballots that may well be the end of Florida as we know it. That's right, folks. It's over. Kiss it all goodbye.
Because on November's ballot is an amendment so evil and insidious that mere contact with the ink will be enough to turn toddlers into meth-crazed cannibals. I don't even want to say it.
Fine, I'll say it: Medical Marijuana.
What a dumb phrase. There's nothing medical about marijuana! Heck, while we're at it, let's give insomniacs arsenic smoothies. It's a guaranteed great night's sleep! Got a toothache? Here let me shoot you in the face with a nail gun. Feel better? No? Good!
I can't believe that 82 percent of you animals support this insane amendment.
What happened to this state? We used to have integrity. Remember the 2000 presidential election? Remember all the poll workers who stayed up for days straight, counting and recounting and recounting? We showed America what work ethic really means.
But now it's all gone to the sharks. Just look at the man who's leading the polls in our state's gubernatorial race: the great super stoner Charlie Crist. The pot's already gotten to him! The man can't remember anything. He wakes up each morning, hits the bong, and then asks himself, "Wait. Am I a Republican or a Democrat? Am I for or against universal health care? Is this cereal or packing peanuts?"
And what happens to the few remaining heroes of this great state? They're shunned! They're thrown into boxes labeled "prude" and "ignorant" and "bicurious."
Our fearless state attorney, Pam Bondi, seems to be the only one thinking straight, pointing out that "physicians could authorize marijuana for anything, anytime, to anyone, of any age."
Thank you! Finally! The children! What about the children? How will they have time to be 2 drunk 2 care when they're 2 stoned 2 comprehend? Do we even know how marijuana will react with their Adderall prescriptions?
And how come no one is listening to former congressman Allen West, who told the Sun Sentinel, "I'm not into creating victims; I'm not into creating drug addicts" when asked if he was open to medical marijuana? Because if you've ever seen a guy pull out a joint at a Phish concert, chances are you've thought, "That poor, poor victim." He did just pay $50 to sit in the back row of a Phish concert.
And Rick Scott might as well have been talking to himself when he said he'd vote against medical marijuana because, "having seen the terrible effects of alcohol and drug abuse firsthand, I cannot endorse sending Florida down this path, and I would personally vote against it." Abuse! Addiction! Finally, someone gets it.
Can you imagine our great state filled with a bunch of tweaking marijuana addicts? Convenience stores will be ransacked and potato chips nearly extinct.
Picture thousands of people, toking up before climbing in their cars. Florida's streets will be flooded with red-eyed pot demons who merge like narcoleptic amputees and don't use their turn signals. What will we do? Our famously safe streets are in jeopardy!
I don't know what the future holds for Florida, but I do know it's going to have something to do with the Apocalypse. Between now and November, go outside and kiss a palm tree. Because Florida, as we know it, is dead.
If you like this story, consider signing up for our email newsletters.
SHOW ME HOW
You have successfully signed up for your selected newsletter(s) - please keep an eye on your mailbox, we're movin' in!