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Medical Marijuana Will Kill Florida

This November, throngs of Floridians will strap on their sandals and flop their way to the polls to cast ballots that may well be the end of Florida as we know it. That's right, folks. It's over. Kiss it all goodbye.

Because on November's ballot is an amendment so evil and insidious that mere contact with the ink will be enough to turn toddlers into meth-crazed cannibals. I don't even want to say it.

Fine, I'll say it: Medical Marijuana.

See also: Florida Supreme Court Approves Medical Marijuana Initiative

What a dumb phrase. There's nothing medical about marijuana! Heck, while we're at it, let's give insomniacs arsenic smoothies. It's a guaranteed great night's sleep! Got a toothache? Here let me shoot you in the face with a nail gun. Feel better? No? Good!

I can't believe that 82 percent of you animals support this insane amendment.

What happened to this state? We used to have integrity. Remember the 2000 presidential election? Remember all the poll workers who stayed up for days straight, counting and recounting and recounting? We showed America what work ethic really means.

But now it's all gone to the sharks. Just look at the man who's leading the polls in our state's gubernatorial race: the great super stoner Charlie Crist. The pot's already gotten to him! The man can't remember anything. He wakes up each morning, hits the bong, and then asks himself, "Wait. Am I a Republican or a Democrat? Am I for or against universal health care? Is this cereal or packing peanuts?"

And what happens to the few remaining heroes of this great state? They're shunned! They're thrown into boxes labeled "prude" and "ignorant" and "bicurious."

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Ryan Pfeffer is Miami New Times’ music editor. After earning a BS in editing, writing, and media from Florida State University, Ryan joined the New Times staff in November 2013 as a web editor, where he coined the phrase "pee-tweet" (to retweet someone while urinating). Born and raised in Fort Lauderdale, he’s now neck-deep in bass and booty in the 305.
Contact: Ryan Pfeffer

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