Stevens, a militant atheist, is responsible for installing Festivus poles (y'know, the yuletide holiday invented in the '90s sitcom Seinfeld) at nativity scenes on government-owned property across the state of Florida, all in the name of religious freedom and the separation of church and state.
But ever since Stevens announced his retirement in 2016, holiday seasons haven't been the same.
Until now.
New Times has confirmed that the Chaplain of His Holy Boner (as he calls himself) has returned from a five-year hiatus to launch a new organization: Mount Jab Church, Holy Church of the Vaccinated. This year, Stevens is celebrating the holiday season by sending a special gift to local public officials on his naughty list. In lieu of coal, he has sent butt plugs — no, make that big butt plugs — er, big-ass butt plugs that weigh nine pounds and are eleven inches long and five inches wide.
Stevens says he sent the mortar-sized derriere accessories to Fort Lauderdale Mayor Dean Trantalis, Hollywood Mayor Josh Levy, Hollywood Police Chief Chris O’Brien, and Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis, along with a container of Crisco vegetable shortening, plus condoms ("for safety").
"Their heads are so far up their goddamn asses, so I figured when they take their heads out, they'll need something else to put up there," Stevens tells New Times.
The butt plugs weigh nine pounds and measure eleven inches long and five inches wide.
Photo Courtesy of Mount Jab Church
Mayor Trantalis earned a spot on Stevens' naughty list when the city rejected the activist's requests to erect a "Fauci Claus" cardboard cutout in a public area, informing him that the city did not put up displays by private individuals on public land.
"He ignored me at his own peril," Stevens says.
The matching plugs for the mayor and police chief of Hollywood are linked to the city's backing of a controversial plan to build a condo on public land overlooking the beachfront. When resident Catherine Uden announced that she planned to attend a block party dressed as a high-rise condo in an act of protest, the Hollywood Police Department told her she'd be arrested if she followed through and told anyone why she was wearing the getup. (After the national news media covered the skirmish, Uden wore the costume to the block party without incident.)
Viewing the prior restraint as an assault on the First Amendment, Stevens put Levy and O'Brien on his list of Florida officials who #GotDonged.
A bag of dicks? The butt plugs were sent via the United States Postal Service.
Photo courtesy of Mount Jab Church
DeSantis earns Stevens' special trophy for hiring Surgeon General Joseph A. Ladapo in September. Ladapo, who has ties to fringe groups that promote bogus COVID-19 treatments, is now in charge of the Florida Department of Health and the state's COVID-19 response, which is a step too absurd even for Stevens.
"There's no other person who deserves a butt plug up their ass than Ron DeSantis — with love and tenderness and lots of Anal-Ese," Stevens imparts.
The #GotDonged package includes a humongous butt plug on a leash, vegetable shortening, condoms, and assorted knickknacks.
Photo courtesy of Mount Jab Church
Mount Jab has launched a TikTok account wherein Stevens says he'll post videos of artists drawing political figures with penises for noses. He says his "elves" have manufactured "Fauci Claus" cardboard cutouts of the president's chief medical advisor, Dr. Anthony Fauci, in a Santa suit and mailed them to the halls of Congress today.
Last week he pulled a similar stunt at the Florida Capitol, displaying cardboard cutouts of "Fauci Claus" and "Grim [Tucker] Carlson" posed beside Festivus poles.
Stevens says he has received death threats over the years and understands the perils of reinserting himself into the activism arena. But he welcomes the thrill.
"This shit gives me a boner," he confesses.
