Your Miami Dolphins are set to kickoff the 2012 season this Sunday at Houston (a team, incidentally, they have never beaten ever in the entire existence of American tackle football history).
If you haven't noticed, we're living in the golden age of pass-first football. Passing records are falling by the wayside as offenses have abandoned the old "run-first" mentality and are going with the "fuck it -- just throw it a billion times" strategy.
And yet, even with that, the Dolphins are entering the season with a rookie quarterback who started only a handful of games in college, an offense with no-name receivers, and a defensive backfield missing one of its best players.
The Dolphins don't just suck. They're innovators in the realms of sucking. Here, now, is your 2012 season preview. Prepare your anus.
So tell us about this Joe Philbin fella?
Well, he comes from the Green Bay Packers.
Was he their offensive coordinator?
No.
What was he, then?
He worked with the quarterbacks and did stuff.
Oh.
Yeah.
Anyway, Philbin is now a first-time head coach. And he promised to bring a fast-paced game to Miami, which is something we haven't had here in a while.
Did he bring any of the awesome Packers players with him?
No, he did not.
Well, then, how does he expect us to be fast-paced?
No idea.
Well, fuck.
I know. But he has an awesome couch. And he hates it when people say FUCK. Which is bad, because there's going to be a whole lotta FUCKS flying around this season. Except, of course, for the FUCKS that people will stop giving come Week 5.
