Five Things That Are Sure to Cheer Up Depressed Miami Dolphins Fans

If you're not a fan of this team, fear not: This won't be the team much longer.
If you're not a fan of this team, fear not: This won't be the team much longer. Photo by Gmartnx
Perhaps you have heard the news — the Miami Dolphins are *not* having a superfantastic football season. They are not the greatest football team, and they most definitely are not moving the ball from goal to goal like no one has ever seen. Well, unless you count scoring zero second-half points this season as something previously unseen. In that case, true!

Being a Dolphins fan is, unfortunately, a lot more like a marriage than an actual marriage is. It's more like an arranged marriage. There are no divorces here. You're pretty much stuck loving the one you signed up for, even if your dad made you do it when you were 4 years old.

To cheer up even the most depressed Dolphins fan, here is a solid list of a few things that should make you feel better about the NFL team choice you made as a child.

Things could be worse: You could be a New York Jets fan.

Throughout the years, one constant has made Miami Dolphins fans feel better about themselves. Twice a season, when the Dolphins play the New York Jets, they're reminded of how much worse things could be. The Jets even existing is the gift that keeps on giving. They're basically the Miami Dolphins but without the whole dominating-the-'70s thing. 

This year in particular, a little look-see at what the Jets are doing is making Dolphins fans feel a million times better. The Jets are also winless, but they're actually trying! Oh, and they're led by head coach Adam Gase, literally the Dolphins' sloppy seconds. The Jets took a Dolphins coach out of the trash and thought that would work. A Dolphins coach!

The Jets always make us feel better. They're the greatest friend ever.

When it's all said and done, 2019 could be remembered as one of the greatest Dolphins seasons ever.

Imagine if we could all look back at the season before the Dolphins selected Dan Marino and say it was all thanks to them sacrificing one season for the greater good. That's what 2019 is all about. A 0-16 season that lands the Dolphins Tua Tagovailoa could go down as one of the best seasons in franchise history that didn't end with a Super Bowl victory.

Truly, that's the case. Laugh if you want, but it's true. If the Dolphins land Tagovailoa and he goes on to be a franchise quarterback into the year 2030, it wasn't just all worth it — it was a huge success. You never go broke making a profit, and oddly enough, a 0-16 season could result in much more profit than a 10-6 season that ends in a first-round playoff loss. That's the reality of the NFL.

At least the Dolphins clearly realized what they'd been doing forever just wasn't working.

As if you need to be reminded, the Miami Dolphins have not had a lot of success over the past decade and a half. They haven't won a playoff game since 2001, and they haven't even been to the playoffs in a decade. The problem is/was they are always borderline "in the hunt," so they've never torn the entire thing down and started over.

This time, it's clearly different. Everyone involved saw the need to take a grenade to the organization. With a boatload of picks in the next two drafts and lots of money to spend in free agency, there's a chance to build from the foundation up rather than hiring new people to plug holes others left while new holes appear. It's refreshing.

On the bright side, the Dolphins will have an almost entirely new team within three seasons.

When you sell off the present to fund the future in the NFL, you're basically saying one thing to the current roster: Every single one of you is not only replaceable but also probably just a placeholder for someone who isn't even in Miami yet. If you're not a fan of this team, fear not: This won't be the team much longer.

Dolphins fans who are fed up with this season or dislike the philosophy of losing on purpose should at least take a look into the future and realize the Dolphins have around 20 draft picks over the next two years — many quite high and valuable — to replace the players who aren't up to par now.

Just hang on — it'll be over soon.

Basic math here: An NFL season is only 16 games, so the Dolphins are already 25 percent finished being terrible on purpose. If the Heat were to spend a season tanking, it would last half a calendar year, spanning 82 games over three or four nights per week. When the Marlins throw away a season, it feels like it takes six years to lose 105 games. In the NFL, though, it's a quick pain you have to endure for only three hours a week, if that.

Halloween is almost here. Soon you'll be buying Christmas decorations at Walmart. Think of that as a sign this Dolphins season is almost over. We can all forget it ever happened — unless, of course, it ends with the Fins finding their quarterback for the next decade. 
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Ryan Yousefi is a freelance writer for Miami New Times, a lover of sports, and an expert consumer of craft beer and pho. Hanley Ramirez once stole a baseball from him and to this day still owes him $10.
Contact: Ryan Yousefi