Miami Dolphins Are 3-0: Seven Thoughts on the Victory Monday Pants Party! | The Daily Pulp | South Florida | Broward Palm Beach New Times | The Leading Independent News Source in Broward-Palm Beach, Florida


Miami Dolphins Are 3-0: Seven Thoughts on the Victory Monday Pants Party!

Your Miami Dolphins have exploded the collective assholes of the entire NFL by shooting out of the gate 3-0.

Ryan Tannehill led the Fins to the 27-23 last-second victory against the Atlanta Falcons in what, at this point, has been the most exciting win in the Joe Philbin era.

So sit back, relax, and enjoy the crazy of Victory Monday!

But first, dip into the Rundown:

Ryan Tannehill: THE DOCTOR IS IN: It can't be stressed enough how large Tannehill's balls were on that last drive. With the Dolphins down 20-23 with less than a minute remaining, Coach Scooby Doo Villain turned to his young Ward to deliver.

Normally when the Dolphins are in a situation like this, the result is a smoke-filled mountain of deer shit, surrounded by the wafting ashes and flickering flames of Dolphins' fans hopes and dreams. That, or they settle for a field goal only to lose it in overtime.

But not this time. This time, Tannehill and the Dolphins marched 75 yards down the field (on 13 plays. THIRTEEN. GET IT?) and went full on "FIELD GOAL? THE FUCK OUTTA HERE WITH THAT" Mode and sewed the Falcon's asses to their faces by tossing the game-winning touchdown with 38 seconds left on the clock.

Overall, HOT VANILLA went 24 of 35 passes for 236 yards.

Jeff Ireland Still Sucks Because the Offensive Line Is Terrible: Holy rhinoceros nut sacks! Our offensive line is going to kill Ryan Tannehill. Sure, he needs to be quicker on the draw, and yes, his pocket awareness still needs some tweaking... but the offensive line Ireland has build around his franchise quarterback is borderline criminal. He's been sacked 14 times this season, including five times Sunday. Jonathan Martin is useless. We're still not sure what a Clabo is. And when Tannehill has to rely on his tight ends or running backs to block for him, he instead gets a steady dose of spinning, roundhouse kicks to his nards by opposing rushers.

Hey, I Say Shark. Your Thoughts on the Dolphins Starting 3-0?:


The Defensive Line Is Falling Apart at the Seams: Paul Soliai missed the game with an injury, and Cameron Wake had to leave it. The result: Miami's line gave up 149 yards on the ground. It allowed almost five yards per carry to the Falcons' running backs. That is ass.

Don Jones Altered Space and Time With His Hammerfist Hit: Jones knocked the Falcons' Harry Douglas into another dimension where Elvis is still alive and a dinosaur is president during that kickoff return in the third quarter. Douglas fumbled the football; the Dolphins recovered and eventually scored a TD. It was a game-changer. It's a wonder Douglas didn't explode in a dozen directions.

Mrs. Grimes Has a Postgame Message for the Falcons:

Yes, that's Brent Grimes' wife. We hope she makes this image into a cake.

Log-Jammin: The AFC East is stacked on top. But the Fins are 3-0, along with the New England Patriots. But let's face it. The Patriots have opened the season against some squishy teams while the Dolphins have had to run through a gauntlet thus far. Next week, the Fins face yet another test when they visit the New Orleans Saints.

But until then, we jammin' at the 3-0 Pants Party!

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Chris Joseph
Contact: Chris Joseph

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