The Dolphins went into Orchard Park last night and promptly got kicked in the onions several times by the Buffalo Bills to the tune of 19-14. And while that score might seem tight, it felt more like a 35-point blowout.
Against one of the worst defenses in the league, Reggie Bush managed to rush for 20 yards. Davone Bess was Miami's best receiver last night with a whopping 50 yards receiving. And Ryan Tannehill threw for 141 yards and a touchdown. But he also threw two backbreaking interceptions that sealed the deal for the Dolphins' third-straight loss.
But don't fret, Dolphins fans. Did you expect anything different from this team this season?
Your eyes are bloodshot. Your hair is disheveled. Your stomach hurts. You're beyond the normal bouts of rage after a Dolphins loss. You're beyond just the normal throwing the toaster at your television. You're beyond flinging empty Heineken bottles at the dog.
This loss makes you want to do something else entirely. This loss makes you want to dropkick a kitten. It makes you want to dip a little kid's lollipop into a pile of dog shit. It makes you want to sneak up behind a really little old lady at the supermarket and scream "THE COMPANY THAT MAKES TWINKIES IS GOING OUT OF BUSINESS CAN YOU FUCKING BELIEVE IT!!!???" right in her ear at the top of your lungs.
This is a different sort of ire you're feeling right now. It's bitter. It's pungent. It's atypical and it's unwelcome. It's like when some heavy-breathing sweaty, oily fat guy crashes your New Year's party, stops up your toilet and then leaves after eating all the kielbasas without an apology or a thank you. Who the fuck invited that guy? And why does your entire home suddenly smell like a port-a-potty after a Ultra Music Festival?
A loss to a shitty rival. Is there anything worse? Think about it? What's worse? A pineapple enema? Your scrotum used as a punching bag? Farting at work and realizing too late that it was more than a fart? No. Nothing. Nothing is worse.
Seems fitting that after all the anticipation and excitement the beginning of the season brought us that, in the end, the Dolphins do actually, indeed, suck ass.
Because the Dolphins are what they are.
We can talk about Tannehill hitting the "rookie wall," but that's horse balls.
Tannehill is all this team has going for it right now. He throws interceptions because he's a rookie. But he also throws them because his receivers are a bag of cat piss.
The Bills have consistently been one of the worst teams in defending the pass all season long. On top of that, they're riddled with injuries. And yet, not a single Dolphins receiver was able to get separation from Buffalo's corners.
Brian Hartline is a fine player. But if he's your answer at WR, then just go ahead and call yourself a cab and then pay the driver $20 bucks to slam the door on your dick over and over.
Those big early season stats were an anomaly. Mainly because they came against the Raiders and Rams.
You can pour over all the EMPIRICAL stats and reasons why the Dolphins lost this game.
You can blame Joe Philbin.
You can blame the genius draft wizard that is Jeff Ireland, and hope he gets mauled by a liger at the zoo.
But it's painfully obvious why the Fins lost and it needs no breakdown or analysis: God hates us. He hates you and he hates the Miami Dolphins. That's it.
So go find a priest and lunge a knee into his groin until he vomits his spleen.
The Dolphins host the Seattle Seahawks next Sunday at Sun Life Stadium. Kickoff is at 1:00 p.m.