The Dolphins Will Play a Hysterically Bizarro Final Four Tournament Sunday

The Miami Dolphins are definitely not readying themselves for a Super Bowl run.
The Miami Dolphins are definitely not readying themselves for a Super Bowl run. Photo by Michael Reaves / Getty Image
With two games left in the NFL regular season, many teams are jockeying for a playoff spot and home-field advantage. They're gearing up for the postseason run they hope will culminate with a victory in Super Bowl LIV at Hard Rock Stadium in Miami.

The Cincinnati Bengals, New York Giants, Washington Redskins, and Miami Dolphins are not those teams. They are definitely not readying themselves for a Super Bowl run. In fact, they were all eliminated from playoff contention some time ago. However, this Sunday, they have something to play for — something that could not be further from a Super Bowl title.
All four teams face a must-lose situation this week if they want to land the first overall pick in the 2020 NFL Draft in April. Four teams enter, but only one team can be crowned worst of them all. It just so happens all four teams are scheduled to play one another this weekend.

The Dolphins, currently owners of the third pick in the draft, will face off against the Cincinnati Bengals, winners of just one game this season and truly the New England Patriots of sucking. It will be tough for the Dolphins to lose to Cincinnati, but if they can, they'll be within striking distance of tying the Bengals for the first overall pick if Cincinnati somehow also wins in the final week of the season against a Cleveland Browns team that is falling apart.

The Giants and Washington, both 3-11, are also set to play each other in a game that will cement the top of the draft standings. Theoretically, a team with three wins right now could fall out of the Top 10 picks with two straight wins. The Giants and Redskins — both teams with a first-year quarterback — would seemingly be all over drafting Ohio State defensive end and likely second-overall pick Chase Young. A pick toward the end of the top ten would make trading up that high all but impossible, thus leaving them with a pair of meaningless wins and a subpar player to show for it.

So, while everyone else in the NFL is busy playing for something that doesn't matter — like a Super Bowl title or, even worse, a wildcard berth — the Bengals, Giants, Redskins, and Dolphins will be playing the worst Final Four tournament our generation has ever seen. In many ways, this ending is more entertaining than in past seasons when the Dolphins inevitably finished 7-9 and received the 13th pick. 
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Ryan Yousefi is a freelance writer for Miami New Times, a lover of sports, and an expert consumer of craft beer and pho. Hanley Ramirez once stole a baseball from him and to this day still owes him $10.
Contact: Ryan Yousefi