Sports

The Dolphins Won the Tank Bowl Thanks to a Crucial Kenyan Drake Drop

The #TankForTua mission is going splendidly.
The #TankForTua mission is going splendidly. Photo by Mark Brown / Getty Images
Yesterday the Miami Dolphins played arguably the most important game at Hard Rock Stadium since, well, when was El Clásico? Fans were treated to a textbook showdown between two winless teams that were maybe, probably, arguably trying to out-suck each other in what can only be referred to as the 2019 Tank Bowl. Two teams entered — a 0-4 Miami Dolphins versus a 0-5 Washington Redskins — but only one would leave un-victorious.

As you might have expected, this NFL-sanctioned football game was amateur hour from the beginning. Both teams' offenses were like a high-school boy: way too excited to not score. By halftime, the Redskins were up 7-3, but in the Dolphins' defense, it truly felt like 7-4.

Then, the fun began. The Dolphins, previously outscored a combined 81-0 in the final 30 minutes of their first four games, began the second half looking like they'd be adding to that total. The Redskins shot out a seemingly insurmountable 17-3 lead.

The Dolphins had no choice but to pull quarterback Josh Rosen — who up to that point was 15-of-25 for 86 yards, zero touchdowns, and two interceptions — for backup Ryan Fitzpatrick. Instantly, things got interesting: The Dolphins scored twice to pull to 16-17 with six seconds remaining.


Rather than kick the extra point, the Dolphins decided to roll the dice and went for a two-point conversion. In theory, it's a ballsy move we would respect. In actuality, it was not the sort of thing many #TankForTua Dolphins fans wanted. Luckily for them, a classic Dolphins play followed: Kenyan Drake dropped the pass, and Miami took home the Tank Bowl victory.
Phewwwwww — that was close! The Dolphins almost did that! Even though Fitzpatrick led Miami to two fourth-quarter touchdown drives, including an 11-yard touchdown pass to DeVante Parker with six seconds left in the game, it's likely the Dolphins will go back to Rosen next week as the starter against the Buffalo Bills, especially after head coach Brian Flores said all week that Rosen would be his starter the rest of the way.
It couldn't have been closer, but a loss is a loss! The Dolphins remain in the "L" column, one step closer to the franchise quarterback of the future, or another Dolphins jersey you'll find at Goodwill after five seasons. The Fins and the Cincinnati Bengals are now the final winless teams in the NFL. The #TankForTua mission is going splendidly.
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Ryan Yousefi is a freelance writer for Miami New Times, a lover of sports, and an expert consumer of craft beer and pho. Hanley Ramirez once stole a baseball from him and to this day still owes him $10.
Contact: Ryan Yousefi