The Miami Dolphins suck.
And because they suck, they've had a hard time selling season tickets to the masses who refuse to pay big bucks to a perpetually mediocre team with no real direction or hope.
They've pissed off a lot of people with the way they run their organization.
So, to get people to buy their season ticket packages, they've decided to team up with another organization that has pissed off a lot of people: SeaWorld!
The Dolphins are trying to entice potential season ticket buyers by throwing in certain perks, such as yacht parties, restaurant discounts, fantasy football parties at the stadium, movie nights, and a trip to SeaWorld.
What you get depends on the package you buy. For example, those who go with the suite/club level package will be sent to Orlando to party with the alleged animal abusers.
This is the first, of what we're sure is going to be a bevy of brilliant ideas by new team President and CEO Tom Garfinkle.
Garfinkle was brought in to replace the departed Mike Dee to, as team owner Steve Ross puts it, "put people in seats."
Because nothing gets someone more fired up to go watch some football than a dude in a suit named Garfinkle!
Dolphins chief revenue officer, Jeremy Walls, described the season ticket perks to being a "part of a country club." Or, if that's too white and rich for you, "a church," or, if that's too churchy for you, a "high-end gym membership."
We're sure you'll fit somewhere in Walls' demographics analogy.
But, again, this is all about getting asses in seats.
"The key here is we didn't just make a name change and throw in a bobblehead and call it membership. We've committed to making these good events so people will see the value in their membership 12 months a year," Walls said. "Most of these events are in the offseason. Most include player or alumni involvement, and many of them include food and beverage."
See? The Dolphins totally could have just given you a bobblehead and called it a day. But instead, they're giving you free shit.
Never mind that the simplest way around this perplexing problem is to PUT TOGETHER A WINNING FUCKING TEAM.
Also, never mind that the Dolphins are offering trips to SeaWorld, which has had its own problems with public perception.
But, alas, it's fitting that the Dolphins are offering trips to SeaWorld. Not so much because of the name of the team but because both companies have been accused of inflicting abuse.