August 10, 2012 | 10:40am
Your Miami Dolphins open their 2012 season tonight when they host the Tampa Bay Buccaneers in a pre-season matchup FUCK YEA. It's a whole new start (again!) for the Dolphins, as they unveil a new coaching regime (again!), a offensive scheme (again!), a new defensive scheme (again!) and a couple of new quarterbacks (again!).
It's the first of four pre-season games and a chance to get us to irrationally overanalyze every play as well as get super psyched about the new season.
Here are five things to look for tonight:
1. West Coast Hoedown: New head coach/Seinfeld buff/Scooby Doo villain Joe Philbin has brought the West Coast Offense to Miami, which has never been done before down here because we had Dan Marino who cared not for such things, or because we just sucked monkey balls and what was the damn point.
The West Coast Offense consists off short passes to stretch out defenses so that the running game can take over (this is why Marino didn't give one single fuck about ever converting to the WCO). But the good thing about the WCO, is that it's a pass-first offense, which is something we haven't seen around here since The Right Arm of God roamed the field and gashed defenses with his awesomeness.
Best thing of all. no more of this shit:
Oh those Miami Dolphins and their inability to find a single quarterback worth dick in well over a decade. Sure we had Chad Pennington there for a while. But his shoulder ligaments were made of peanut brittle and so the good times were short lived. Last year Chad Henne died, so then Matt Moore stepped in and delivered a strong finish to an otherwise shittacular season against sub par opponents, and then everyone was all ZOMG WE GOTS US A QUARTERBACK TALLY-HO! But Moore is nothing but a Puppet
and a very good backup
The Dolphins will be starting former Jaguars QB David Garrard tonight. Moore will come in after that. And then The People's Choice, first-round pick rookie slinger Ryan Tannehill will come out and play. No doubt Tannehill's performance will be the most overly scrutinized tonight, and for good reason. He's the latest face of GET US THE FUCK OUT OF BEING SO SHITTY PLEASE for Dolphins fans. He's the future. He's the franchise. He's hope. He's Dr. Kickass, MD
Don't fuck this up, Doctor.
3. How Shitty Is The Secondary?:
The Dolphins lost Yeremiah Bell and Will Allen this off season, and are left with Vontae Davis, Richard Marshall and Sean Smith. Davis is too busy pissing everywhere
, and Marshall is a middling player at best. That is some seriously fucked up shit that Sean Smith is the guy everyone is hanging their hopes on.
4. Receiver-a-palooza: The Dolphins did pretty much nothing in the WR department during the draft (because Jeff Ireland is a super genius draft wiz, you see). And so now they have roughly 15 guys and Chad Johnson vying for a spot. Johnson, Davone Bess, and Legedu Nannee are listed as the front-runners. Brian Hartline and Clyde Gates are banged up and Roberto Wallace, Juilius Pruitt and Marlon Moore have a chance to HOLY SQUIRREL VAGINAS OUR RECEIVERS ARE SHIT.
5. Vanilla Is the Flavor of The Day: Whatever happens tonight, keep in mind that it's pre-season, which means the Dolphins will be keeping shit simple. What we see tonight play-calling wise won't be what we see during the regular season. And just because Garrard throws two picks against Tampa's first-teamers and Tannehill throws two touchdowns against Tampa's third-stringers doesn't mean Tannehill will be the Week 1 starter. Everything's in flux. Don't panic. Don't overanalyze. Just drink up and remember, the best way to approach the beginning of every Dolphins season is with absolutely zero expectations for success.
Supplemental: Bob Griese Drinking Game: Every time he fucks up a player's name, take a shot (you'll be shitfaced mid-way through the first quarter)
Enjoy the game, everyone. Go Fins. NO INJURIES PLEASE!
Gametime is at 7 p.m. You can watch the game on CBS4